Posted by kara lynne on July 14, 2003, at 2:34:28
In reply to Re: Un-Intentionally cruel therapist? » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 13, 2003, at 21:13:37
fallsfall,
I hope I can forgive her. I guess I can if I can convince myself there wasn't a malicious motive behind what she said. I told someone about it today who knows her, and she said it sounded like she was saying 'aren't you glad you won't be there'. But it had the opposite effect. I really *was* starting to feel ok that I wasn't going to be living there, but this pushes all my buttons and has me back obsessing full time about him and what he'll be doing.The thought of what she said makes me sick to my stomach. It makes me feel so awful to know that that is what he's going to be doing without me. It makes me feel horrible about myself that that is what he chooses over me. And it pisses me off because somewhere I think she's wrong and he won't be doing that, and why do I have to pay for her mistake.
And part of me thinks my therapist would know this about me after 10 years. She knows who I am, she knows what I obsess about. Granted she's not perfect, she'd be the first one to tell you that. But I just keep wondering why on earth she would ever say something so upsetting to me.
I will talk to her again about it. The problem is that it set me back again so badly in terms of how I'm feeling. I feel weak and needy again, whereas yesterday after I talked to him I thought, The Shmuck, I'm better off without him. Now I'm missing him, wanting him to call me, thinking I'm not ok without his validation. This is the first thing my therapist would ostensibly not be wanting me to feel. I told her I was having trouble not seeing myself as he sees me--as this middle of the road, frantically aging, pathetic woman scared to get a life (every desire I had for stability was always seen in this light). Especially in comparison to Mr. Brilliance and Intrigue. So why would she say something to play into the insecurity?
I don't know why this happened or what about that comment triggered me so drastically, but it did. Maybe it comes from the demoralization of being with an essentially impotent man for five years that never really bothered to do anything about it. I couldn't do it for him, but this could? If that doesn't make me go into self hatred I don't know what else would.
I long for the day when I am over this shmuck. When I can understand that creative genius with no heart is no prize. I was at a good friend's for dinner, such nice people. And all I could keep thinking of were what kind of people *he* was with, and how much more exciting everyone would be. While I get more gray and discuss swimming at the Y with my nice, athletic, pedestrian friends that I'm sure my ex would have found some way to insult. And I would have been too uncomfortable to be with his exciting friends, unless we maintained a connection which we never did. I'll play with your friends if you love me, I'll love you if you play with my friends...this is how it used to go. Up until that last night when he was telling me that if I had dinner prepared for him when he came in from the office that maybe then he would want to sleep with me more.
ARRRGH SEE? It's got me HERE! No, I didn't need this at all. Thanks fallsfall.
poster:kara lynne
thread:241365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/241637.html