Posted by kara lynne on July 13, 2003, at 13:54:50
In reply to Re: Anger » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on July 13, 2003, at 10:43:16
fallsfall,
Thank you for your post, you made me cry. I don't know why I was hitting myself--yes, because I lost it and showed clear anger toward someone else and also due to the stress. It was like something I used to do when I was a teenager--band my head against the wall when I was just so frustrated or angry, or angry at myself. I'm so pent up right now I'm ashamed to say it almost felt good, but I made myself stop.I left one message apologizing and another acknowledging that I put her in an awkward position. I asked her to call, but she hasn't--nor will she answer her phone. I know she was (and is) there and has caller ID.
I guess there's really nothing more I can do. And then there's the fact that I still do have the anger. Somehow I was lead to believe that my anger is invalid--I should overcome it, there's really no good reason (for me--like you say if it was you it would be different) for an outburst like I had last night. So I analyze and edit every emotion until I don't know what it is anymore.
I was angry. Valid or not, silly or not, I requested that she not say *anything* about where I lived now or was going to live. I spelled it out so specifically. She modified my request to fit what she thought was appropriate. Maybe that's at the root of it too--as well as the fact that she's just the kind of person to tell too much sometimes and I know that. That's why I tried to be so specific. But somehow in my family and with my ex my feelings are not allowed, or criticized. I'm not saying this well; I've never really articulated it before and it's coming out more trite than I mean it. But why can't I make a stupid request right now and simply have it honored? *That* I most surely would do for a friend.
But you listen enough to the other voices telling you to be "reasonable", maybe you're being too extreme, yadda yadda and it sucks back into that dull, depressed vacuum that dictates how I more typically express myself: checked, judged, modified. Oh ha ha, not really, it's ok. That kind of squished, milquetoasty behavior that I resent, but do all the time. There is a kind of beauty in being able to express something purely, but it feels very dangerous to me. I don't mean we should all go around like raging maniacs, but something has definitely squelched my expression in a profound way. In a way that has created a lifetime of depression.
Anyway, I'm off to counseling. I so appreciated your thoughts on all of this, fallsfall. Thank you.
poster:kara lynne
thread:241365
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030713/msgs/241461.html