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Re: Well... (unpleasantly graphic and overdisclosing) mair

Posted by ayuda on April 30, 2003, at 9:03:28

In reply to Re: Well... (unpleasantly graphic and overdisclosing) Cecilia, posted by mair on April 28, 2003, at 7:42:38

> Cecilia
> I'm sort of in the same boat. I don't hate being touched by every one, but have a huge aversion to being touched by my father. Almost every pdoc and therapist I've ever had has asked me if I was abused by my father. I found out this weekend that my older brother has wondered the same thing. While each of the 5 children in my family has some resentments about him, mine seem to run so much deeper.
> At times I've thought that finding out I was abused might not be such a bad thing because it would at least provide some explanation for my depressions. I can feel pretty guilty about how it is that someone with a very secure childhood and no particular history of mental illness can struggle as much as I do. Of course, as with you I don't need to have any more reasons to feel bad about myself - the ones I have now seem more than enough.
> Mair

Mair --
I also have had a strong aversion to being touched by my father, going back to at least my pre-teen years. I asked my mom once when I was in my early-30s if there was ever any sexual abuse, and she said an ephatic NO, that she is sure there was none.

We discussed it further, and we have figured out that, for me, it is an ongoing resentment for the physical abuse (non-sexual) I suffered, from childhood beatings and then especially in my teen years when I first became sexually active, and my overall hatred of him. I find him to be a repulsive person in general. But so does my older brother. Our younger sister, though, was always close to him and doesn't have these issues, though my father isn't a "touchy-feelie" type of person anyhow.

But his physical abuse did have sexual repercussions when I was a teen and in my early 20s -- a boyfriend noticed that I flinched every time someone came near my face. Not a little flinch, either. It was so normal to me to flinch that I didn't consciously notice it. I never had any problems with sex or touching anywhere else, but when someone went to touch my face, that was scary.

It hurt the feelings of that one particular college boyfriend, who was a caring person, because he thought I equated him with my father, and that he could not bear. So he took the time to teach me to not flinch. And now I rarely do it. If I don't know why someone is coming at my face, I flinch, but I think that is normal.




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