Posted by Annabelle Smith on May 3, 2011, at 20:32:07
In reply to Re: How do you speak your own voice? » Annabelle Smith, posted by wittgensteinz on May 3, 2011, at 18:47:29
This is currently causing me significant distress.
I think it is a huge case of not being understood by others, of being fake, and also the insuations that others make.It is hard to sit with the feelings I am having right now. I have an acquaintance (she calls herself my friend, but that is a hard label for me to apply to most people) who I have known at my university for the past 4 years. Most of the people here all move away after they graduate. One day I was particularly upset about wanting to leave for Boston but also having to stay because I was unable to leave my therapist. I have written on here about that-- being stuck.
She couldn't understand why I don't just leave. I was feeling so lonely and sad that I told her my situation-- I took a risk and trusted her and told her. As I told her how I felt-- attached, dependent, even merged-- she got this smile on her face and said: It sounds like love! It simulaneously infuriated me and made me feel hopeless. I immediately tried to tell her that no, it was different. There is a kind of deep love involved, but now what she is thinking. She didn't believe me and proceeded to refer to my therapist as "this guy." She still does that. I had to spend 6 hours with her today, first sitting with her as she cried during one of her many emotional turmoils that she goes through-- often because of guys.
We went to a mall nearby here that is way too expensive for my budget. (I already don't know how I am going to be able to afford to make it on my own--rent, food, therapy). This individual is a student from China and her parents are apparently pretty high up in the gov't there. She has all the money she ever needs. This particular mall has mostly stores that are extremely expensive with perfect looking people all around.
The entire time there today-- all afternoon-- I felt miserable. She spent about $300+ dollars on clothes and kept asking me why I didn't buy anything. I think I felt ashamed for not having enought money. I never have, because my family is not rich. Most people at my school are so wealthy and it makes me feel like sh*t compared them. I just walked around the ridiculous stores today acting interested with a fake smile on my face. But the whole time, with every unfortunate glance in the mirror, I kept seeing how ugly I am compared to what is beautiful in our culture, feeling like I need to lose a lot of weight, and towards the end, feeling this need to just tear into my body-- destroy it, make it change, punish it.
Two things about this individual. First, because English is not her first language, I think we do have a bit of a language/culture barrier that might contribute to our not totally always communicating clearly. Second, she is crazy about guys. She thinks about them all the time.
I am not. I have never been in a relationship before and though I am attracted to guys, don't feel stong romantic inclinations. I think I'm not able yet, like I have to figure out who I am as a self and be more stable in that before I can think about relationships.
What infuritated me and has made me feel so utterly alone is what she insinuated about my feelings towards my therapist. I can tell that she is so eager to talk about this. At dinner, she finally asked with a smile about "this guy," my therapist. I wanted to punch her-- I was so enraged. I can't explain to her. I don't have the words for it. She asked me to tell her about my problems-- what is wrong. I couldn't; I just said depression, because that is easy to say.
But I can't tell her that I feel fake, unreal, suicial, angry, empty, hurt, ok and not-ok, crazy and not-crazy, lost, and alone.
She starts to make me wonder if I am doing something wrong in my therapeutic relationship-- if my attachment is inappropriate. I do feel a love towards my therapist, but it is like a primal love, a love stronger than I have ever felt before because it is like all of the loves I have ever had in my life-- for my mom, my dad, my brother, my childhood, my grandparents, and God-- have been centered upon my therapist. That's not to mention all of the other longings that I have had for an authority figure to pay attention, give care, and understand. There is nothing romantic about it, and insofar as there might be a hint of that, it is all mixed in with the primal love.
I just want validation, to be told that my attachment is OK-- that it is part of the issue that I am trying to get help with.
What I wanted to tell my acquaintance is: "you have no f*ck*ng idea the hell that this has been. So please leave me the f*ck alone." But I was nice and just ripped apart inside.
I think that what I'm feeling is OK-- I've read about attachment and bpd. Usually there is insecure, anxious, and unresolved attachment styles.
I really wasn't able to leave this town because of my therapist. That doesn't make sense to most people, especially when I gave up a better opportunity. But most people haven't felt what I have felt. (I think many of you have-- but not most people in the general population). But I am not trying to be bad or inappropriate. It's just that to leave, would have made me feel undone on an ultimate level-- alone. And I would have felt terrible resentment, like the one thing I needed most-- another human being to hear me and understand and care-- would be ripped away from me, like always has been.
Please tell me that you guys get this and that I am not bad for feeling this way-- or crazy-- or inappropriate. Just trying to work through a real issued.
poster:Annabelle Smith
thread:984180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/984467.html