Posted by annabelle smith on April 30, 2011, at 18:32:02
I feel like what I am trapped by is a constantly frustrated need to speak my own voice.
I am looking for release.
I know that I come on here, and it seems as if I just go on and on like a broken record. But there is a constant feeling of trying in vain to articulate something that can't be articulated. The harder I try, the further it escapes from my grasp. It feels like my mind is the lost seeker within its own constructed maze. As it searches for a way out of the maze, it doubles back upon itself and twists every path into tormenting circles and dead ends. So there is no exit. No exit from hell.
It is like being inside of a feverish nightmare. I remember one time when I had a really high fever as a kid, I had a particular nightmare that left me exhausted for hours once I had awakened. It had to do with a mathematics problem that I was supposed to figure out. But I could never come up with an answer, because I was never able to even figure out the question. In that dream, it was like my mind was tripping over itself, turning upon itself in attack.
I feel like there is something inside of me welling up for release-- a kind of inner truth that has to be set free. If it is not, it is going to kill me.
Today is like being in hell. All day. Every moment drags, and the nights are the worst of all.
I have been working through my DBT skills workbook, and know about all of the skills:
distraction
self-soothing
mindfulness meditation
thought diffusion
wise mindI have created my emergency cards. Despite what everyone has been saying, I actually have taken steps to help myself.
But my problem is not the intensity of the moment-- it is the unbearableness of this whole fake way of being.
I feel like I am part of the living dead. I am dead inside, I and don't know how to come back to life. I can't find my own voice; I am a fake. I always smile at others and say what I think they want me to say. But inside, I feel empty and dead.
That is what I have to escape from. And that I where suicide is the answer.I just want someone to believe me, that this is real, that I am real, that how I feel is real.
I just need to own my voice and speak my truth, but I don't know how.I think my therapist might believe me, and that is why I am afraid to leave him-- what little truth and reality I have, are contained in him. But I need to know how to break free into truth and reality-- I feel like something inside is pushing for release, and until it is free, there will be no rest. Death or freedom.
I feel like the only way to be true is with a suicide gesture-- to go to the hospital, for the feelings and experiences to be validated as real, for everyone to finally know the truth. I have carried this truth inside for so long, and no one believes me. But I would rather everyone finally know the truth-- my parents, my friends, everyone-- than have to continue living this lie.
It's really not about medication. I am not depressed. I am unreal and dead. I need to release my energy, life, and voice. If I don't, I swear to God, I will not continue living.
poster:annabelle smith
thread:984180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110324/msgs/984180.html