Posted by Daisym on February 24, 2011, at 12:10:58
In reply to Re: I think the weather in h*ll must be chilly » Solstice, posted by Dinah on February 23, 2011, at 19:10:20
>>>>Did you ever think you'd see the day? From the Dinah who swore to wrap myself around his legs like a cartoon character should he ever try to leave? He always swore I'd likely be the one who left him, and I thought he was out of his mind.
<<<<I think we always expect something for others different than they expect for themselves - just cause as a species we are pretty smug. But as much as it s*cks, it is better to know you feel (more) ready to survive it, being your choice - than you would otherwise. Kind of like when a parent dies, I think. The anticipation is such that we just can't fathom living through it, and yet we do. I'm not suggesting it is pleasant, just that we are much more capable sometimes than we think.
>>>>I think you truly understand the issue as I do. What you say about the roles in marriage is so true. Having someone taking care of me, even as I support and nurtured them, has always been very important to me. Even if that person was far from perfect. Even if I had to take care of them in many ways. My girlish dreams were always of marrying a much older man, although in the end I married in as much a true partnership as ever could be between two very different persons. My husband and I are within two months of each other in age, and very similar in many ways. We've always faced the world together. My father probably played the role of protector, even as I took care of him.
<<<<<I've never had this in any real way. So I think this is a huge fantasy for me. When I'm really regressed, I find myself furious at my therapist for not having been there to protect me.
>>>>>I can't help but feel I still do need that in my life, and am undecided whether my image of my therapist in the role is faltering because of something to do with him or something to do with me.
<<<<<<It's probably both, don't you think? Reality invades and we *know* that the security we seek isn't all encompassing - not magic as you said. I think there are biological underpinnings too - the anxiety of therapy causes a chemical cascade in the brain and the calming opiates that get released are "addictive" - consider infant/mother attachment and how the mom's nearness is soothing to the baby. Over time, the brain does not react in the same way due to familiarity and it takes novelty (good or bad) to create the anxiety/soothing cycle. If something gigantic happened, he would probably be able to provide the soothing you need, but the day-to-day anxiety you feel you've learned to self-sooth around (whether you know it or not). So just having a session isn't as "magical" as it used to be - different chemical response. I'm curious if you still get sleepy - needing to "forget" like you used to?
>>>>It does seem like a good thing, or rather that it should be a good thing. Not many people understand the real losses that come with growth, or how they can seem far greater than the gains. I get the sense that you truly do.
<<<<I feel this way about my children growing up too. They are all great and doing very well - but the loss for me is huge. I tell myself all the time - "this is what is supposed to happen" but the grief is very real and very painful. And the more "self-contained" we get, the more alone we are intra-psychicly. That is not to say that we can't learn inter-dependence, but existentially - we are alone. I recently said to my therapist, "I hate when people say, "we all die alone." I believe that we all die with God. It is the living that is lonely often. I'm working on trying to use my faith to lesson this feeling.""
>>>I do wish I could explain it to my therapist. Would you mind if I showed him your post? Sometimes he understands the words of others better than he understands my own. It would all be much better if he would mourn it instead of being so darn positive.
<<<Of course. Anytime. This is one area that my therapist seems to understand completely. I've recently cut back on a session - for lots of reason. But it is a time slot I've had for years. I pretty much refuse to talk about it, because it has to be this way, but it helped when my therapist said to me, "it throws me, that you aren't here. It is a hole in my day, because at 3pm, you are supposed to be here. I have to stop and remember why you aren't." That made me feel like more than patient #10. And he always acknowledges the difficulties of ending a deep relationship like long-term therapy. But he never says we won't. Supposedly it is my choice but realities like age, possible illness -- life in general, I guess, are background noise that I can't ignore.
If I only get to use the magic wand 1x - this is what I would change.
poster:Daisym
thread:979635
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20110206/msgs/979702.html