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Thanks all... and some more background...

Posted by workinprogress on November 8, 2010, at 0:59:45

In reply to ? for long term therapy folks... Dinah, Lucie, etc, posted by workinprogress on November 7, 2010, at 1:11:55

Hi there. Thank you all for the thoughtful replies! I so appreciate the dialog about this. From what I read here, I thought a little more info might be helpful and I also want to respond to some things. I'm going to do my best to capture it all here, but might add another reply if I missed something. But this is a thanks to all!

So... first of all, my FOO (family of origin). I grew up in a family that sounds similar to yours Solstice... I was taken care of in every tangible way... food, shelter, stuff, attention to education, etc. However, it was a pretty cold environment, very rational, not emotional. I was the black sheep super emotional kid that learned to push back emotions and then I ended up exploding in a crying/screaming meltdown. I was sensitive and moody. And I was repeatedly met with the blank face when turning to my mom for comfort. She just didn't have that instinct. My T and I talk about "the hand" a lot.. as in, "you're too much" and "the hand" went out in a stiff arm, stay away sort of way. Pretty severe emotional neglect....

As for the "stool" I actually have a lot of good relationships and people to talk to... I have two VERY good friends that are well versed in therapy stuff and I talk to them pretty regularly about stuff. I have a good 3 or so other friends that I talk to about real stuff, therapy included, but maybe not as regularly or in as much detail. They are all very supportive of me. But they aren't my T. And, they all have partners and/or children. My T and I agree that this will probably all lessen when I find a partner (and I'm actively looking, but being pretty selective).

One really dominant state for me is to feel really lonely which triggers a childhood feeling memory of being really *alone*, which then triggers some serious self-hate (ie, I must be alone bc I'm unlovable). Someone, I think Daisy, talked about the feeling of being "too much" and that is certainly a dominant feeling for me. Anyway, in these states I so so so LONG/YEARN for my T. It's like I get overwhelmed with feeling and then NEED her and can't get her out of my head. Instead of knowing she's there and our relationship is secure and have her as "a part of me" to rely on in those times, I panic a bit and well, it isn't that soothing secure base yet that I need and long for.

Daisy, I don't know what my attachment is... I don't think it's avoidant, I tend to try really hard to attach, I just can't settle in- my guess has always been disorganized. Not sure though. In my brain/intellectually, I so want it... I cling, do everything I can do to avoid abandonment and well, often it comes from me trying so hard to avoid it. I look for abandonment around every corner, but I certainly don't avoid connecting/trying to attach.

As for the frequency, I think it works for me right now. I love just getting to come in and see her and be safe and soak up all that good love/connection, etc. Annierose, being WITH her isn't at all uncomfortable, it's being WITHOUT her that is so so hard. I really wish I could just jump in her pocket and be with her all the time. Dinah- I so get then giving up the fantasy... I think I have some work to do in that regard. What I don't think is that I'm more dependent on her because I see her more. I think I've actually gotten more comfortable and less anxious for seeing her more. And boy, we get to some fine hairs by having the luxury of the time of really examining all the little stuff that goes on for me and between us. So, the frequency is great for that. I understand that it wouldn't work for a lot of pairs, but it works for us. She's always said I can do whatever works for me. She said maybe you should come in more... and I did and it's been helpful. This struggle would exist either way I think.

And, I've grown a ton in all sorts of ways from the work we've done. I'm just tired- I think I get the sense that you get this Lucie- tired of wanting wanting wanting and not feeling "filled up" or "safe" or "secure". I want to have a weekend when I don't so count the days until I see her. Going to two days wouldn't change that, nor would one or three. It just is.

My T says it's really about time. And that it'll happen when it happens. And that I probably can't feel safe and secure that someone loves and cares about me unconditionally and is safe to attach to when I still feel so hateful about myself sometimes- ie "how could you love me if I'm so awful?" But, I also know that moving past that self-hate is a lot about being securely attached... so, that's feeling like a bit of a conundrum right now. It's certainly a discussion I'm going to bring up.

Thanks again all... lots to think about. Not sure if what I wrote here shed any new light, but I'm enjoying the dialog.

Lucie... I may take you up on talking more... but I have to get to bed now.

xo
WIP

 

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