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Re: ? for long term therapy folks... Dinah, Lucie, etc

Posted by Daisym on November 7, 2010, at 11:24:13

In reply to Re: ? for long term therapy folks... Dinah, Lucie, etc » workinprogress, posted by Dinah on November 7, 2010, at 10:40:48

In a clinical sense, attachment styles that are consistent don't typically get in the way of adult functioning. So being securely attached or avoidantly attached, which it sounds like you were, are personal styles of relating. Attachment is a "system" - and it is so much more complicated than just caring or not caring about someone. And when the system gets activated in intimate relationships, lots of unconscious meanings get made.

I think those of us who have the biggest struggles with "attachment" are actually talking about dependency and needs. Is it safe to depend on this person to get any or all of my needs met? We feel ambiguous because our previous experience has taught us in one way or another that 1) our needs are too big or 2) no one will want to meet them or 3) asking for needs to get met results in hurt or rejection. These end up being deeply ingrained beliefs - core structural beliefs that have to be examined in each and every relationship. Therapy, I think, teaches you to make judgements about safety - this person is safe to need for emotional relating, this one is fun but not safe for deep connection and this one isn't safe at all, etc. The idea that we can form a close relationship with our therapist that will then convert to each and every relationship we have, is a false expectation.

And I think expectation is exactly what we are talking about. Those of us with attachment issues expect people to fail us, or reject us, because we need something. And I also think we often feel deep shame about having emotional needs and wanting them to be met. As someone said, intellectually we get all that, but it is still hard to conquer internally. I know exactly what you mean about the cold fear of naming it. It is in these moments that you wait to be admonished or rejected for being so presumptuous. I often describe it as, "Who do I think I am that I should be allowed to care about this person? Or want or need something from them?" I struggle as much or more with allowing my own feelings as I do with wanting something from him.

After 7 years in therapy, this is still my core struggle. I know I love my therapist, and I know he is OK with that. I know he cares deeply about me. But this is a relationship that is supposed to end, and will end, so the abandonment fear is partially confirmed, without a set date. We hope I'll be ready when the time comes. But needing him feels dangerous because I'm always anticipating the future loss and hurt. And I also think that these feelings for him have opened up a deep and painful awareness of what is missing in my life and always has been. I would say, as a single person, that while I agree about adding more legs to your support stool, it is a lot harder than people think. We are currently working on this very thing in my therapy and it is hard for me to keep front and center that he isn't pushing me to find more relationships because he doesn't want me - but the truth is, those boundaries that Dinah talked about get very painful when you feel very alone. I told my therapist recently that his office, which was my safe place for a long time, has become a sort of agonizing spot of partially getting what I want and need but not getting enough so I feel bad about feeling bad about what I am getting. I know the concept of optimal frustration and perhaps this is it - which is supposed to motivate the patient to seek "real" relationships that can be fully experienced...but I must say it was better in the in-between space of letting therapy meet a lot of those needs and not looking into the future.

I think it might also be a bit of a different struggle when your therapist is a man because adult attraction comes into play as well - but maybe not. But add those feelings to the already complicated little kid feelings and wow - give yourself a break for struggling with this. It is a huge thing to be willing to engage in the struggle at all. And I guess I'd encourage you to not minimize all that you've accomplished just because it is still uncomfortable or gets uncomfortable. I think that is just realistically, part of all relationships.

 

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poster:Daisym thread:968902
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