Posted by antigua3 on June 28, 2009, at 12:03:20
In reply to Re: This is ridiculous » antigua3, posted by wittgensteinz on June 28, 2009, at 9:10:21
>> To reiterate what others have said - no you don't sound pathetic.
>>Thanks witti, but I do feel pathetic.>> I'm very sorry for what happened to your baby and I think the link you draw between the contaminated needle and the doctor and with your father and you (and the feeling of being contaminated - losing your innocence because of the abuse) is important.
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>I think this is important, too, because it's what made things start to bleed out. My father died a few years after this happened and it wasn't until then that I started to remember things. (I always knew a few things, but they weren't really conscious yet.) Before he died I started to suspect, but as long as he was alive, I couldn't go there. Also, what complicates things is that I had a wonderful relationship with my father in the years before he died and I felt like I had been restored to my special place in his life and I knew how much he loved me.> Try not to focus on the number of years you've been working on this.
>>I know, I know, you're right! I've made more progress in the last 18 months or so, partially because of my pdoc and the repercussions of therapy with him, then I had in many years before.
> Feelings I've felt about the trauma I experienced growing up include the inability to measure it - was it or was it not abuse? Am I imagining it? If I tell then they'll know somehow and then what? - guilt for being disloyal to my parents - feeling that I have been manipulative if someone else describes it as 'abuse' or validates me in some way (I must have tricked them into thinking that) - this also brings on tremendous feelings of guilt and of grief. Feelings of: did I deserve it - did I cause it?
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>>The feelings of guilt resonate with me. I actually told my pdoc this past week that I was afraid if there was an afterlife, my father was going to be very, very angry at me. "So, you're doomed to eternal damnation," he said, and he was right, that's how I feel, although I know how ridiculous that is. He's right that I shouldn't feel this way. (All these "shoulds" are huge warning signs of my faulty thinking!)>I long for validation and feel full of trapped rage and resentment.
>>I am getting that validation from both my T and pdoc so why do I still feel this way? I still can't let the anger out, really, as if it isn't really necessary because except for one incident, they're all dead.
> You asked how you can go from logically knowing what happened when you were a girl was not your fault to emotionally acknowledging it. I don't know the answer... If you can form the necessary attachment to your pdoc and he can convey to you that you were not responsible then perhaps in time you will open up emotionally to this idea yourself.
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>>I have formed this attachment with him now and it is very scary. He has conveyed to me that i'm not responsible many times, and I've made great progress with him, but I feel stuck in this horrible place right now.Thanks, and sorry to be so long
antigua
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poster:antigua3
thread:903453
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090614/msgs/903597.html