Posted by DAisym on November 6, 2008, at 23:04:26
In reply to Re: Object Permanence -- Daisy and whoever else, posted by FindingMyDesire on November 6, 2008, at 22:23:07
I'm gonna try but be prewarned that I've felt very little all week so it might not be as coherent as it should be:
Basic object permanence begins, as described above, in infancy. Prior to obtainment, infants will not seek out anything that disappears from sight - it doesn't appear to occur to them that things exist beyond their vision. Nor do they seem too upset by this. But this is true only for objects - infants do attach to primary caregivers early on and they do differentiate between adults - and research shows that very young infants will grieve the loss of their mother or other significant caregiver.
Around 10 months, separation anxiety appears on the scene, usually peaking around 15 - 18 months. The child now knows that mom exists "somewhere" else but has no idea where. Time is a concept that is not firm yet so short separations can be as painful as long ones. The baby becomes aware of how powerless they are - they can not make their mom come back so a "better" strategy is to not let her leave. And there is real terror in being left - what if mom doesn't come back? Because while baby now knows that mom exists out of sight, they do not know that they still exist for mom. They have no understanding of another's mind or memory.
What begins to happen as the brain matures is that the baby can hold their mom in their mind...and they can feel held in their mom's mind. This being held reminds them that they are important and that mom will not forget them and will come back. We begin to talk about the baby recognizing a "self" and an "other." As they separate - the other still makes them feel whole and safe. As the baby matures, they gain more self assurance and need an "other" less and less. Which is not to say that we don't all need an other but a strong self-core contains internalized elements of a significant other - usually parents/mom. Babies change from clinging continually to their moms to exploring out from their safe base - their mom. At first they rush back often and touch or check in - then they look across the room when they encounter something scary or novel. Eventually they will play for longer and longer periods of time without checking in. What we see happen is that a child who is frightened, gets hurt or ill, has to go through these stages all over again - their safety was shaken and now they need their "object" more.
In therapy, our Therapist often becomes our "other." It takes a great deal of work to trust that their caring (not really them physically) exists beyond the hour we spend with them --Who they are when they are with us is not just a "fake" person - this person is really in the world and available to us, should we need them. We move toward "therapist-permanence" as my therapist likes to say. More importantly, we eventually need to know that our therapist continues to hold us firmly in mind when we are not in their presences, so that we feel contained and we feel important to them. We can begin to internalize them when this happens so that we don't need to return to them (as often) for reassurance and safety. We carry them with us - we hear them in our head.
I think what your therapist implied was that while you *know* that she exists in the world and that you have email and telephones, your psyche might not *know* that she exists FOR YOU - even if she doesn't live close. That the safety and caring that you've created together will stretch between you, even at longer distances. I think it is much harder to internalize caring when you didn't learn how to as a child. I think separation is so much more painful and we always feel that distance is a super-bad thing and it signals the end. You can't "make" her remember you, like we can when we see them for therapy, each week or month. So the work is to believe that you've been internalized by her, as much as you have her, and that she will "need" and want to stay in touch as much as you do.
Lately I've been very freaked out about not knowing where my therapist is over the weekend and how far away he might be. He thinks it is because another part is trying to attach to him and she is very scared that he will leave and not come back, or that he will have some kind of experience that changes him and she won't know about it. I can only imagine all the out of control feelings you must be having about her moving. I'd want to go check it out, make sure she was safe and be able to visualize her there.
I don't know if this helped at all. I hope so.
poster:DAisym
thread:861211
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20081104/msgs/861240.html