Posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 17:01:23
Some of you may remember some of the problems I had a few years back with trying to get treatment. I ended up being treated at a local agency which contracted with the county to provide mental health treatment for medically indigent adults. It wasn't a healthy experience.
Lately, I've been having a lot of problems with the residue from that experience. Actually, I guess I should say that I've had trouble because of those experiences ever since, but lately it seems to be getting worse. The other day, my husband and I happened to drive by the building, and I told him that I felt as though I was almost back to where I had been before starting treatment there. That's upsetting to me, especially since I'm so afraid I'll never really get over it all. I'm afraid I'll never be able to work again, never be fully functional, never manage to be more than marginal.
One of the themes of my negative self-talk is that I should be over it now, what's wrong with me that I can't recover from it after three and a half years? Why am I continuing to blame them, abdicating my own responsibility for how screwed up I am, etc? Why don't I just put it aside and move on with me life? A kinder, gentler, more compassion Racer-voice does, of course, point out that I experienced something which was profoundly traumatic to me, and that I was experiencing increased symptoms related to my mental illness at the time. (Including the mental impairment caused by my anorexia.) Doesn't matter -- that unkind voice says it's just excuses.
Much of that relates back to the sorts of messages I was getting from the staff at that agency, by the way.
And I've got a lot of that "if I just chose to get on with it, if I wasn't lazy, if I didn't wallow in self-pity and wait for someone to pick up after me, etc" self-talk going on, too, which exacerbates the problem...
Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm looking for in response. I suspect this will be our topic for therapy today, and I have to shower now to get there. (Not optional -- I just touched up my roots, and have the after-dyeing goop on my head...)
Maybe I just wanted to express this, maybe I wanted it to be in black and white so that it would be true, maybe I'm looking for validation, maybe I want sympathy. I don't know. {sigh} Could be I just want to feel better...
poster:Racer
thread:813959
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/813959.html