Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 813959

Shown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Recovery from traumatic experience

Posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 17:01:23

Some of you may remember some of the problems I had a few years back with trying to get treatment. I ended up being treated at a local agency which contracted with the county to provide mental health treatment for medically indigent adults. It wasn't a healthy experience.

Lately, I've been having a lot of problems with the residue from that experience. Actually, I guess I should say that I've had trouble because of those experiences ever since, but lately it seems to be getting worse. The other day, my husband and I happened to drive by the building, and I told him that I felt as though I was almost back to where I had been before starting treatment there. That's upsetting to me, especially since I'm so afraid I'll never really get over it all. I'm afraid I'll never be able to work again, never be fully functional, never manage to be more than marginal.

One of the themes of my negative self-talk is that I should be over it now, what's wrong with me that I can't recover from it after three and a half years? Why am I continuing to blame them, abdicating my own responsibility for how screwed up I am, etc? Why don't I just put it aside and move on with me life? A kinder, gentler, more compassion Racer-voice does, of course, point out that I experienced something which was profoundly traumatic to me, and that I was experiencing increased symptoms related to my mental illness at the time. (Including the mental impairment caused by my anorexia.) Doesn't matter -- that unkind voice says it's just excuses.

Much of that relates back to the sorts of messages I was getting from the staff at that agency, by the way.

And I've got a lot of that "if I just chose to get on with it, if I wasn't lazy, if I didn't wallow in self-pity and wait for someone to pick up after me, etc" self-talk going on, too, which exacerbates the problem...

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm looking for in response. I suspect this will be our topic for therapy today, and I have to shower now to get there. (Not optional -- I just touched up my roots, and have the after-dyeing goop on my head...)

Maybe I just wanted to express this, maybe I wanted it to be in black and white so that it would be true, maybe I'm looking for validation, maybe I want sympathy. I don't know. {sigh} Could be I just want to feel better...

 

Re: Recovery from traumatic experience » Racer

Posted by Dinah on February 21, 2008, at 17:51:00

In reply to Recovery from traumatic experience, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 17:01:23

It would be nice if we were as gentle and understanding with ourselves as we are with others.

I think most intelligent and self aware people can pick up pretty quickly the "shoulds" of thoughts and behaviors. But in order for it to become part of who we are and how we see ourselves, it takes more than an understanding for many of us.

It would be nice if what it did take could be analyzed and written down. But that may be different for each of us. For some of us it might take "doing". Behaving as if until it happens. Or for some of us it might take taking in the views of someone we trust and admire. Or it might take experiencing compassion for someone else who isn't all that different from yourself. I wish I had the key.

It seems to me that you're taking steps toward it though? I seem to remember some recent posts that showed that. Of course it's not a linear progression, and even if you felt it then you might not feel it now. But you might feel it again tomorrow or next week.

I don't know what I'm saying really.

Other than that I care, and that I have faith in you.

 

Re: Recovery from traumatic experience » Racer

Posted by rskontos on February 21, 2008, at 19:52:35

In reply to Recovery from traumatic experience, posted by Racer on February 21, 2008, at 17:01:23

Racer, there is no magically number in the case of trauma for "Time" to "be over it". It takes what it takes. And I think for you to try and will yourself to get over it is causing you more harm. You must have some sort of PTSD from that place. Maybe not a n actual dx but it seems like it haunts you it set you back. I know that we are suppose to talk to ourselves in a postive manner. I have chosen to look at it different manner. I have decided to go inside my head and examine every thing there, façe it and no longer be afraid of it. I am owning it. It is a slow process. I decided therapy is governed by each individual and we are allowed to get better in our own way and time frame. So allow yourself terms you need both in time, space, framework and language. We can't rush a masterpiece, and you Racer are a masterpiece in the making.

We all want to feel better, each day you are getting closer. Even if it is harder to measure, you are working toward that goal. Hang in there.

rsk

 

Re: Recovery from traumatic experience

Posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2008, at 21:57:22

In reply to Re: Recovery from traumatic experience » Racer, posted by rskontos on February 21, 2008, at 19:52:35

Rsk was going to say the same thing some PTSD. I have that about the beach, going upstairs in my own house, talking on telephone. How ridiculous is this to me. Sad thing is my therapist just says why. I say if I knew wouldn't have it . But experiencing unpleasant things can trigger negative thoughts for me anyway and not working is a grieving process to me. Love Phillipa may be related.

 

Ugh, and therapy was not good today

Posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 0:04:38

In reply to Re: Recovery from traumatic experience » Racer, posted by Dinah on February 21, 2008, at 17:51:00

For one thing, by the time I got there, I had to face up to the fact that I was really and truly depressed. That means that a lot of our session was spent with her saying, "this might be as good as it'll get with medications..." and then suggesting behavioral things I could do:

"Exercise!" I'm doing about an hour a day of cardio, plus physical therapy exercises. I think that about covers that base...

"Use your bright light lamp!" I sit under my grow light for at least an hour every morning, while waiting for my husband to get up so I can cook breakfast. Second base...

Actually, those were the only things she had to suggest, besides psychotherapy. And, since we were in session, I suspect that base can safely be considered covered, too.

Just -- not a good session. Too much time spent disagreeing with one another, and too much of exactly the negative stuff that I get into myself -- that this is as good as it will get, as far as medications are concerned. You know what? It's not good enough. If it doesn't get better soon, I'm going to be in bad shape. (Just raised Wellbutrin, so I'm hoping it gets better. Hard to hold onto that sort of hope, though...)

And on top of everything else, I forgot to ask her about something that's actually important enough I might call her about it...

Thanks for the responses.

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today

Posted by Daisym on February 22, 2008, at 1:43:47

In reply to Ugh, and therapy was not good today, posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 0:04:38

Here is a scary, very existential exercise -- allow yourself to get really, really mad -- AT THEM. I think we (me for sure) are sometimes afraid to fully lay blame on someone else - to be completely outraged at what happened and to not own any of it - it wasn't your fault, they screwed up and there is a direct connection to how you feel now.

That doesn't mean you then throw your hands up in despair of ever feeling better. But you might find some power in the anger, and find you can take back a little of what was stolen from you. And I'd like to suggest to you what my therapist keeps suggesting to me - we don't have to "get over" what happened. Trauma is not something to be conquered by sheer will. He would like me to think about making sense out of my experiences, meaning that I have a coherent narrative that is true for me and I can make links to certain issues and behaviors. It doesn't mean I understand why any of it happened - it doesn't mean I have to forgive. And then the hope is that the past will be a piece of the puzzle that is me - and it will be sad and hurtful when I think about it, but it won't have so much power over me still. I guess this that darn working through part.

As far as depression help - sleep, lots of water and laughter. I just read a study that says we should watch funny movies and dance through at least three songs a day. Can't hurt?

Reggie is snoring next to me - he sends hugs and hopes you feel better and more settled soon.

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Racer

Posted by seldomseen on February 22, 2008, at 8:15:13

In reply to Ugh, and therapy was not good today, posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 0:04:38

You know, I've run into the same thing when dealing with my accident with Andrew - the treatment was just as traumatic as the injury.

I find myself dealing with both issues (the treatment trauma and the injury sequelae) at the same time and it's just not fair. It's just not fair at all.

For instance, I found the rigid cervical collar to be very triggering and kept begging to take it off, but they told me I couldn't until the results from my CT scan came back and to quit complaining that it wasn't that bad. After waiting 5 hours for the CT results that still hadn't been read, I finally took it off myself. Then the director of the ED came over and lectured me about something to do with "against medical advice"... It was like torture to me - as was being strapped down in the ambulance. Anyway... Trauma sucks. I hear you.

Because of my training in the sciences, I like to keep in mind that a strong reaction to trauma is likely a very strong, and very old evolutionary survival mechanism. Those who mount a strong and lasting response are much more likely to avoid that trauma in the future and are much more likely to survive. We may misapply it in the here and now, but I do think it is something that we are programmed to do.

Also, if your negative self talk is anything like mine, then you start negative self-talking about negative self talking. Something along the lines of "why are you so stupid that you just can't quit doing this". Sigh.

I suspect that the voice that we hear is not ours, but a vestigal voice that doesn't belong to us any longer. This shame does not belong to us. We are whole.

I've actually got some more to say, but I've got to run right now.

More later.

Peace to you

seldom.

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Racer

Posted by Dinah on February 22, 2008, at 8:44:36

In reply to Ugh, and therapy was not good today, posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 0:04:38

I hate those sessions!

It's not that I don't like problem solving sessions in general, but they're not so good when the solutions don't fit. Sometimes my therapist has great suggestions. Sometimes not so much. And sometimes they're just not what I need that day.

Is she good at accepting feedback when you give it?

(((Racer)))

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Dinah

Posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 9:28:27

In reply to Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Racer, posted by Dinah on February 22, 2008, at 8:44:36

>
> Is she good at accepting feedback when you give it?
>

That depends -- sometimes no, but usually yes. I tried to tell her about something Daisy triggered me into thinking about, and she kept saying, "Oh, that's all cognitive, that's not how it works," but what I was trying to express wasn't what she was apparently getting. (Partly because she sometimes gets an idea of what she wants to talk about, and then fits what I'm saying to it. Yesterday, she wanted to talk about the cognitive fixes for depression, so of course what I said was seen through that lens.)

(Kinda like when she wanted to talk about black and white thinking, and we were talking about me needing a new car, and my husband's objections to the cars I wanted. I told her that I wanted a Saab convertible, because I'd wanted one for 25 years. That if I couldn't have one -- at the time my husband was adamantly opposed -- then I wanted another Corolla. She took that as black and white thinking, that the Corolla was a "oh, I'll just sit here in the dark" fall back plan, so it was black and white thinking. But for me, the Saab convertible was the dream car, the Corolla was the pleasant, comfortable, best-dang-car-out-there, practical choice -- I loved my Corolla, I loved my 1982 Corolla Tercel even more, and it certainly wasn't settling for another Corolla at all, but getting what I think of as a really great car. During that session, she wouldn't see what I was trying to say, but the following session, when I told her she really hit a sour note on it, she heard me and we could talk about it.)

(I think I'm pretty good at recognizing where I have problems, and black and white thinking isn't someplace I really see it. That may have been bleed-over from another client...)

Thanks for caring, Dinah. It means a lot to me.

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Racer

Posted by Poet on February 22, 2008, at 10:34:50

In reply to Ugh, and therapy was not good today, posted by Racer on February 22, 2008, at 0:04:38

Hi Racer,

It is hard to hold onto hope for meds working or anything working when I'm majorally depressed. I suggest cat therapy: holding, petting, playhing with teaser toys and teaching them to fetch wine corks or little furry mice.

Take care.

Poet

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today - more

Posted by seldomseen on February 23, 2008, at 12:50:17

In reply to Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today » Racer, posted by seldomseen on February 22, 2008, at 8:15:13

Racer,
I also wonder about the hour of cardio a day plus PT exercises.
Over exercising can be just as damaging as doing nothing at all. It seems very counter-intuitive I know, but doing too much can actually damage muscle, release a host of toxins leading to fatigue and a variety of symptoms.

Our bodies are amazing, miraculous things. They carry us, they protect us, they fight infection and nourish us. They allow us to sense the world around us and engage in that world. They allow us to feel the slightest breeze and absorb the most excruciating of pain. They get broken, they right themselves.

Yet sometimes we fight so hard against them. So very very hard. Why do our minds revolt so vehemently against them?

For that matter, why do we fight feeling bad so much? Why is it not okay to sometimes say "you know right now I feel like total crap and that's okay. I can find things that bring me joy, maybe not right now, but I can."

Can you rest? Just rest your body for one day, then maybe two?

Peace to you.

Seldom

 

Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today - more

Posted by DAisym on February 23, 2008, at 16:42:07

In reply to Re: Ugh, and therapy was not good today - more, posted by seldomseen on February 23, 2008, at 12:50:17

********Can you rest? Just rest your body for one day, then maybe two***********

This is a really good question. I don't want to steal Racer's thread so I'm going to start a new one below.


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