Posted by raisinb on February 19, 2008, at 12:50:20
The fight I had with my T yesterday is the same fight we've been having for weeks. Overall we have an intense up and down relationship, with amazing sessions punctuated by horrible, devastating ones.
Lately I have realized how angry I am about all the things she's said and done to hurt me--the mistakes she's made, the things she did not address, etc.--over the past three years, especially one very hurtful comment she made in November that resulted in me cutting myself (for the first time ever) and leaving therapy for awhile. It seems like I have so much anger at her I can't even stand to think about it. I vacillate between refusing to talk (as revenge, and protection) and yelling at her. Yesterday was a yelling day.
Instead of letting me express my anger and hearing me, she started what she always says--that I'm just in there to convince her to be different, that I won't look at myself, that I'm just in there to put her down or beat her up.
She withdrew and was silent for long periods of time, which is just awful for me (I have the worst time with cold rejection and withholding responses). I've asked her time and time again not to do that, but she won't stop. It feels like punishment and she knows that, but she still does it. So then we got into a fight about that. She says, basically, that it's my transference and she refuses to respond more to me when I ask her to.
I'm at the end of my rope, I'm so upset, I am totally feeling like there is no way I can get her to listen to me. I supposed I feel like what should happen is that I get to express my anger, rage, scream, and she should hear and validate me and try to repair the relationship. Instead, she tries to shut it down and tells me I won't look at myself and plays the transference card.
I know the issues aren't all mine--she's withdrawing, bursting into tears, and arguing with me constantly. but I am having trouble sorting out what is mine and what to do. Can this be right?
Any wisdom would be appreciated :(
poster:raisinb
thread:813598
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080210/msgs/813598.html