Posted by muffled on December 25, 2007, at 15:00:17
In reply to Re: and you know whats worse? ** abuse trigger ** » muffled, posted by star008 on December 24, 2007, at 15:09:29
>And it helps me to tell you where I was so I know things do get better even if it does take so dm long. You are no more screwed up than me.
*I love the way your mind works! Things DO get better. I am better in many ways. Worse in some :-( But I think thems just growing pains...
> Really the way you put things would make sense to him, i think. He would be able to approach you better then.*yeah, I DID say a bit more, but not much. I'll just keep spitting out bits and pieces...
>Wouldn't it be cool if he could use his maleness to help you feel protected instead of threatened?? That would be so great for you..Wouldn't it be nice to have some big strong arms holding you and keeping you safe?? Ummm yuck, that was too much wasn't it??)lol
*ROFL!!!! Nah!!! Its was kinda like a harlequin romance novel!!! ROFL, I was LOVING reading it!! LOL!!!
Its weird, I have taken care of myownself for so long...and I tried to take care of my FOO (family of origin) as well when I was younger.I take care of my IRL kids. Its a stretch to iamgine anyone caring for ME! I am TRYING to learn to lean on others,to allow them to care for me, and I have done so some, but its a tough go when I been so independant from such a young age. I depended on noone but myself.
> Muffled, you might never know exactly WHY. I did have SA experiences that I remember but the kid that gets so scared is too young to fit into the ones i remember. I can only suspect there was more.. My sister has done exactly wht you want to do.. She has run away crying and hid in a corner. She doesn't remember either. WTF happened?? MY Ikid gets really scared of my T sometimes just because of his maleness..*its horrible not knowing...
My young one has no words, so I doubt I will EVER *know*. So I just feel like a drama queen idiot, somehow looking for attn, or an excuse for being such a loser, SOMEthing....> YOU might not know WHY exactly, but somehow you do know why..You know that something happened to the Ikid that gets so scared and both of us have a pretty good idea of wht that was. It's vague but we know what would make a kid respond that way. I think sometimes it might be harder not to remember cuz you are stuck being confused and not knowing why.. we can only guess..
*again it is awful not knowing why, cuz also we can deny that way. And like your sis, parts of us still do vehemently deny.
I still hope that mebbe the kid just somehow got something wrong. That the emots are about something less shameful.
And its awful not knowing, cuz I dunno if I just being a fool and making sh*t up and tormenting myself somehow, some kind of factitious disorder, and if I just get a grip, I will realize its all not true, the feelings and stuff. That its all just fake and made up. And then I can say AHA. I be shamed for being a liar and drama queen, BUT YAY, I will no longer be tainted in my soul.
But sh*t comes at me.
Its so hard to deny.
And sometimes, with releif, I stop denying(mostly...) for a bit. But then I feel bad feelings, and I don't want them, don't like them, am afraid to accept them, and I run away and deny some more...
So, you remember abuse but sis doesn't? She honsestly don't remmeber? But you SURE she WAS abused? Cuz thats the other thing I struggle with....SURELY I would remember something so scarey....how can I NOT remember....
As you can see....this is a huge struggle for me :-(
I think that it is OK though, I am giving myself permission to take it slow, to not rush to acceptance, to allow denial, cuz the reality is too awful to me. So bit, by bit, my resistance is chipped, my denial is chipped away.
> it's gonna be okay muffs.. this part does get better.. u have to take my word for it.. i wish i was there and could help you more when you need it. Of course you would tell me to go home cuz you would get sick and tired of my speeches!!!*Nah, I love the way you talk. You got humour and that is HUGE for me. W/O humour I'da succumbed a long time ago.
> I don't know you but i really do care about you..
> k.. enough of the sappy sh///t.. have a nice holiday*OH SAPPY!!!
Mebbe we call you sappy008!!! ROFL!!! I didn't find this sappy. I found it beautiful and sweet. And truly....what IS wrong w/sappy anyhow???? :-)
Take care, this was a wonderful post for me to read.
M
poster:muffled
thread:802166
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071215/msgs/802567.html