Posted by Tamar on August 13, 2007, at 12:49:24
In reply to ** Long, tedious and triggery ** » Tamar, posted by JoniS on August 13, 2007, at 8:58:40
> You were brave to write this post. You are going through a lot of stuff. I think I understand all of your feelings.I like being understood :)
> You are working harder to keep the boundaries than your T is. I think common sense and your intuition too is telling you that wont be a theraputic relationship if it continues. You are having to put your needs after your T, and that is very wrong and your T knows that.
Wow, I hadn’t thought of it like that. But I did have a dream a few weeks ago in which he said to me, “Well, I think our therapeutic relationship is effectively ruined,” and then he put his arms around me and hugged me, and then some sexual stuff happened, which felt ok but a but weird… So if dreams are any kind of window into the unconscious, I guess some part of me thinks that.
> I'm sorry I don't understand what you mean by "...he wards me off..."
I feel that whenever I want to talk about something particularly sensitive about our relationship he closes down the conversation in one way or another. For example, a couple of weeks ago I was telling him about some pictures of myself that I sometimes bring to therapy with me but always leave in my bag. I didn’t have them with me when I told him about them. He asked me if I wanted to show them to him and I said I wasn’t sure; I said I didn’t think so because there’s a lot of skin in them, although they’re not porn or anything. He responded by saying he didn’t think it was appropriate for him to see them “because therapists aren’t supposed to see their patients with not many clothes on.” It terrified me. I have no intention of talking off my clothes in therapy! Pictures that involve some nakedness are not the same thing as actual there-in-the-room nudity. And in any case I’d already said I wasn’t sure I wanted to show him. But I did want to talk about what they mean. However, after he’d refused to look at them (even though I didn’t have them and wasn’t asking him to look at them) I felt it was impossible to talk about them any more. To be honest, I kind of feel as if he pissed all over them.
Now if his first response had been a bit more sympathetic, I’d have felt able to continue the discussion. If he’d said something more accepting, like maybe that he could understand why I might want to bring representations of my pain to therapy, I’d have felt understood and, well, accepted. If he’d drawn me into a conversation about what it means to allow my vulnerability to be seen, or what the pictures might convey that I can’t express in words, that would have been helpful to me. But I can’t have that conversation with him if his first response seems to convey his fear that I might get naked in therapy. I can certainly understand his discomfort: of course he doesn’t want to look at pictures of me that show my breasts or my *ss. But I wish he could tolerate that discomfort a bit better so that we can talk about the symbolism or whatever, instead of responding only to the boundary issues.
> I believe love is a gift too. But it's my belief that your perception of your feelings and how he would feel about them is very distorted. I have had similar thoughts and worked through a lot of them with my T. It is so not good for you to have to put off dealing with your feelings because of him. If he is a good T he will listen tenderly (and he already knows how you feel, he's an expert on feelings) and he will validate your feelings of love and help you to get rid of the feelings of shame. He definitely wont throw your "gift" in the trash!
I wish I could believe he will validate my feelings of love. But I think he’s more likely to feel uncomfortable and make it clear that my feelings are a boundary issue.
> I guess I'm making an assumption here that he is a well trained PhD and experienced T
He’s certainly well-qualified and well-trained. And he has years and years of experience. He’s also extremely clever: the man has a brain the size of Kentucky. I know he’s got experience both with psychoanalytic psychotherapy and with CBT, and possibly some other approaches. I’ve sometimes thought he’s using the techniques of the psychoanalytic stuff that emphasise boundaries alongside the techniques of the CBT stuff that de-emphasise the relationship, so I’m all transferred up with no place to go. But I’m probably being unfair to him.
> Please don't hate yourself for having normal feelings . I suspect that he will remind you of "the professional nature of your relationship..." but that does not mean the feelings are wrong or bad. He should let you know that your feelings are valid and the boundary is just a reminder that neither of you will act on the feelings but they are there and need to be dealt with. That is a very healing session - builds trust and helps you to feel better about yourself.
I’d like to have that kind of healing session. I certainly don’t want to act out, at least not consciously. And my unconscious desires ought to be material for therapy…
> I hope you can work through these things with your T, but in the meantime, I relly believe you need to find a new T that you can build a healthy theraputic bond with. It would be ideal if you could transition from your current T to a new one. Deal with the feelings you have (which are so normal and OK) and move on to a T who will respect the important boundaries of t and help you work on the trust issues.
Hmm… a new therapist… I dunno. I don’t think there’s anyone else around here. Or maybe I’m just desperate to fix the relationship with this therapist.
> You can take my opinion with a grain of salt. I hope it's helpful, but if not that's OK. I would like to at least let you know you are supported.
Thanks, Joni. It does feel nice to be supported, and your opinions are very helpful.
> I know what it is like to cry in the bed loving your T but getting no reciprocation. I just did some of that yesterday for a couple of hours myself. I believe they still love us, just in a different way. I think that dealing with all this is a big part of therapy, so I'm looking forward to the day I can deal with this and not cry full of pain and sadness.
I don’t really expect him to love me. I think I’d settle for the idea that he cares about me as much as possible under the circumstances, whatever those circumstances may be. But if he could accept that I love him without feeling uncomfortable or disgusted or violated… that’s what I want most.
poster:Tamar
thread:775888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/776005.html