Posted by Tamar on August 14, 2007, at 5:39:13
In reply to Re: ***** Long, tedious and triggery ***** » Tamar, posted by DAisym on August 14, 2007, at 2:04:37
> You know, your posts are neither tedious nor too long...
Thank you!
> This is hard for me because I wish for you something so different than what you have. But I'm also glad that you love your therapist - and I think one of the gifts of therapy is feeling love, of really knowing inside yourself, "I can love." Because being able to love someone else, shortcomings and all, is an immensely healing thing to do.
Yeah, although I often worry that my love is dangerous or contaminated.
> But when the love binds us to someone or something that consistently causes us pain, then I think we have to ask ourselves if this is how God intended love to be spent.
That’s an interesting idea. I don’t know why, but I feel an inclination to react against the idea that God intends me to do anything. I don’t trust God at all. But I take your point.
> And despite what you said about not being an expert, you have a pretty good grasp of the concepts Transference and countertransference, so much so that I wonder if you aren't really too busy "curing" yourself to see what the reality is. It *sounds* like it isn't good for you. It sounds like the whole thing is painful. I think you deserve better.
Thanks. I think so too!
> And I'll ask a question based on historical knowlege of your journey -- are you asking him to be something he isn't? Didn't he not do this kind of therapy and you talked him into it? You were in therapy with him before and didn't go deep. What made you think it would be different this time?
Ah, it wasn’t quite like that. I did short term therapy with him originally, then didn’t see him for a year, then went back to him. It was his decision to use a more psychodynamic approach this time; I didn’t even realise he was doing things differently for a while. But even so, I think you may be right that I am expecting him to be something he isn’t. It’s just that I don’t know whether he realises he isn’t the thing he’s expecting to be either. If that makes sense.
> My final, and harsh question is: what are you getting by remaining locked into this battle of wanting relationship discussions from him? What are you able to avoid talking about?Again, it doesn’t feel quite like that. I don’t feel locked in a battle of wanting relationship discussions. In fact, we usually only have relationship discussions after he has let me down. But he lets me down so regularly that relationship discussions have become a frequent feature of our work. And when I think about it, I hardly ever start the relationship discussions (I’m too scared). He usually takes the discussion there by asking me something about how I feel about therapy. For example, I started a recent session by talking about a book I’d been reading about therapists’ mistakes, and I was telling my therapist how angry I felt about one chapter. My therapist responded by defending the author and then asked me if I thought he rejected the things I offer him. I pointed out that I haven’t ever offered him anything (I try to avoid his boundaries) and he said he meant the material I bring to therapy: my issues. And then it became a relationship discussion. And then I try to tell him something I feel sensitive about and he runs away.
To be honest, the thing I most want to avoid talking about is the relationship. I managed to do it last week. We had a really fun session with lots of laughter, some good work on my maladaptive coping mechanisms, and not a relationship issue in sight. I prefer it like that.
But if the subject of the relationship comes up I feel unequipped to handle it and unable to tell it like it is. Also I really wish I could talk to him about the bizarre images and thoughts I have about him (like imagining him beating me and assaulting me) because I think talking about it would make it less powerful. But I just can’t get the words out.
But maybe I haven't given an accurate description of what happens. And maybe I didn’t understand you properly. I don’t seem to understand very much these days :(
It’s all too hard. I just want to give up on everything.
Thanks for your thoughts about this. I’ll keep thinking about what you’ve said.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:775888
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070807/msgs/776157.html