Posted by wishingstar on February 16, 2007, at 9:33:03
In reply to Re: Looks like I just quit therapy » MidnightBlue, posted by vwoolf on February 16, 2007, at 2:35:04
Thanks for the responses everyone.
I do need Ginny. But I'm wasting my time and hers with going right now. Yesterday we spent the entire hour discussing (her pushing, my defending myself that is) whether or not I should lean on a certain friend who has been much less than reliable and pretty insensitive to what I'm going through on many occasions. Other times, he's helpful. I told her it's just not safe enough and it'd hurt worse to be ignored by him right now than anything else. She disagreed. She wants me to call up friends, have them come over, go out in the evenings, but I'm just not going to do it. As bad as I feel here alone, I could feel MUCH worse if any of that went badly. And it has before. Please dont anyone try to talk me out of that right now.
At the end of the session she said she was just frustrated because I talk about how I want to feel better but I dont make moves to go out with people, dont do anything particularly active to feel better when she suggests it. Then, to her credit, she also said that it was probably her own issue more than mine and she apologized because she said she'd been following her own agenda yesterday more than mine (Well no kidding).. but the bottom line of it all is true. If I'm not going to do anything to help myself, theres absolutely no use in going (and paying) to talk to someone and tell them how I'm still not doing anything to help myself. I can do nothing all by myself. The connections between issues, the cognitive components (cbt-type stuff) are something I really have no problem with and either I already know and believe it when she says it, or I know but dont believe it, and her saying it three more times isnt going to make a difference.
Yes, the little girl inside of me is screaming, like you said vwoolf. She doesnt want to be alone. But the reality is that what I'm doing is getting me nowhere and only frustrating everyone involved. I love Ginny and I think shes great, so it's not that shes a bad match or anything. Theres just only so much talking about what you "should" do that can be beneficial (or I can stand!)
I called a friend the other night when I was on the verge of SIing and got through it. I really am trying. It's just not good enough.
I called my psychiatrist today to try and get an earlier appt. I've been off all meds for about 7 weeks and dont go in until the 28th. There werent any. I asked the nurse to have him call me back about hospitalization and hes going to. I want him to promise that if I go today, he'd let me out by Monday afternoon so I can be at work Tues (theyre closed Mon). We'll see. I dont think I've ever felt this bad for this long (about a week) ever.
poster:wishingstar
thread:733206
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/733265.html