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Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » bent

Posted by Daisym on November 7, 2006, at 17:21:10

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long » Daisym, posted by bent on November 7, 2006, at 7:21:43

***I think a younger part of me is feeling hurt or rejected by my T right now. I finally got up the nerve to tell her how badly I have wanted to just ask her if she cared about me. It was so hard and I stumbled over my words but she never answered me. She just seemed to over-analyze it. She said she could sit there and tell me that she cares for me but she’s concerned about why I have to ask now. Why after 4 years? I just needed a simple answer. Some reassurance. I didn’t know that was wrong. I am certain the younger parts of me are more concerned about her caring than the adult me. And my T is always encouraging me to be more open to the younger parts and to give them a chance. But then when she reacts like this to my question it just scares me.***

I hope you can bring it up again with your therapist. Sometimes they just miss what we need. Tell her what you said here - you just needed some reassurance. I've done that - gone back in and said, "I don't want to understand all this right now. I just want some sympathy." I usually get what I needed, even if we have to talk about it again later! :) I guess my point is, therapy is hard work and sometimes you need to rest during the work.

It has been my experience that I get disconnected and distrustful and fearful when I'm getting ready to go deeper. I sort of test him...OK, not sort of...I DO test him. We talk about how I do this and he says it is understandable. I'm so worried about being too much for him that I have to keep checking in, "is this OK? What about this? OK, now are you mad? Can you hear this? Are you leaving me because of what I told you?" And so on.

I think the simply answer to "why now - after 4 years" is that you've developed enough trust in her to really share all the bad stuff, but it would be that much more devastating if she really couldn't hear it or be with you around it. So of course you want to make sure she cares. It is easy to tell yourself that "this" (the abuse stuff) isn't worth the money she earns by doing her job. There are easier clients to work with. So her caring is slightly more insurance against abandonment. Not so simple after all, I guess.

I'm glad you find my posts helpful. I always worry that I write too much, in too much detail. I'm sorry we are on the same path. I'll clear the brush for you, as much as I can.





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