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Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again*SD/Daisy

Posted by muffled on November 6, 2006, at 11:33:56

In reply to Re: The Little Girl Inside - long again sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 5, 2006, at 23:02:18

> **** But it always surprises me because I mean to say it in my normal 'this doesn't bother me' voice, but it always comes out very soft and in my opinion my voice sounds kind of childish when I talk in therapy. Is that kind of what you mean? Or am I way off base?
> You aren't way off base - this is sort of what I mean. I hate how I sound in therapy, btw. I think I sound whiny.

++Well fwiw, I act like a total meathead in T. I keep telling my T that I actually pretty normal seeming irl. I dunno what happens to me in T, I don't understand. Mebbe I do goto the kid mode I dunno. I don't barely look at her, won't make eye contact, at the slightest sign of stress I bend way over my knees. I'd hate to see a video of myself :-(

> That is exactly what I'm talking about. It is hard to feel so young and still reflect on what the more grown up parts want to say.

+++Its not so clear to me. But I think that there's conflict, and when I try and say something, another part will block it. Or my head just spins out. Or at the slightest sign of pain I recoil like I been stung. And I think its just getting blown out of proportion in my case. I've no doubt my inside kid was scared, but I don't think its impossible to face the fear and take it down to size. I had severe childhood asthma that was not well treated. I think thats what mebbe what might have scared her. Not being able to breath, and being all alone..I dunno though. I don't have memories, only emotions.
> **** He did say that it can be a useful way to conceptualize things, so I'm not sure if he was talking about an actual part that exists separate. I just don't know on that one.
> You should ask him. It is never good to guess at what your therapist means or meant. I've learned that lesson the hard way. It is likely to be a fruitful discussion.

+++Yeah, guess its always good to ask. Daisy, can I ask you if you would share what you meant in that you learned 'that lesson the hard way?'. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, but I'll take all the help I can get.
FWTW I am stuck w/the fact that my inside kid is all to real :-( to me.
But I think it exists on a contineum. That there's full blown DID, and then there's just varying degrees of separation of the ego states. Its nothing to be afraid of, and can be a useful tool. I think whenever someone feels 'conflicted' over something, or 'ambivalent', that that is an example of how it feels to have more separated ego states. Different ones, having different feelings about something. So I think all have it to varying dergees.
> ***** See, I know things happened to me, but at the same time it doesn't seem like me. Were you always aware of these frozen ego states, or did they become more pronounced or well defined as you were doing this work? Did it always feel like it happened to a different part of you? And do all these parts still feel like you to some degree? Sorry for all the questions, I'm just trying to understand.

+++Mebbe you don't want my thots but you can ignore me if you want and thats OK.
But I realized mt states, when i couldn't figger where certain thots and emotions were commong from. Nothing made any sense at all. Then when I was praying(NOT trying to put religion on ANYone, this is MY experience only), but anyways, I was praying, and God showed me my baby inside kid, oh Lord it was so wonderful, and meant SO much in SO many different ways, its truly a wonder. It meant alot to me that this baby was so sweet, that I wasn't always tainted, that I came from this sweet baby, that the sweet baby was ME! It really was huge. The rest slowly dawned on me as I sorted out feelings and stuff....
And sadly I guess, an inside kid holds all the bad emotions. Which isn't fair. And it spills over regularly, and is messing me up which is why I need to deal with it.
> Don't be sorry - I ask lots of questions myself. I wasn't aware of these ego states until I started talking about the abuse. I knew about some of the things that happened to me, but the more I talked about what happened at 11, the more I knew more happened. It has been a weird experience - I wouldn't have believed how real it all feels if it hadn't happened to me directly. I think the parts that hold the memories do so because I'm not ready to integrate everything yet. And you know, it isn't even really what happened at these ages, it is more about why it happened and the fact that I feel so guilty and so at fault. The shame is huge. My therapist tells me often and very forcefully that is isn't my fault (her fault - the younger part of me) but it is hard to really believe fully. So the younger age states hold the blame, the shame and most of the pictures. I don't go there as often as I used to, but sometimes I still "turn" into her.

+++(Daisy) :-(
I feel bad that I making my inside kid hold what she does. The emotions are intense, and she feels so disgusting and bad. And yet I still dodge her. I trying not to. But I can't seem to help myself. And now I just terribly getting depressed.
Does your inside kid still hold that stuff alone, or has she shared some of the burden with you and your T now, by sharing?????????????This is an important question for me. I hope I worded it correctly.
> > ****** You helped lots, daisy, and definitely gave me lots to think about. Thank you so much for responding like this. I never feel like I deserve such long responses from anyone. Thank you.

+++Yeah, Daisy is good at explaining isn't she SD.
And ALL are worthy. You too SD.
I hope noone minds me horning in on this thread, but it is of big interest to me. Sorry.




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