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Re: b » alexandra_k

Posted by littleone on October 11, 2006, at 16:02:27

In reply to Re: b, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2006, at 1:17:39

Hey alex.

> i don't want to see my t because she is there.
> the only t's i've ever gotten along with made it clear
> right from the very first session
> that it was time limited.
> i only attach to people who aren't there
> if someone is there i can't attach
> because it isn't safe.

This is such a valuable insight. It can help you a lot. It’s really great that you can recognise this. The hard work of understanding is the first step to healing.

And even though time limited people *feel* safer, can you see that they aren’t really safer? Sounds like your pattern is something like:

* have the promise of short term, feel safer, allow attachment
* with the end nearing, your abandonment fears are triggered and this sets off your (using your words) “intense” reaction.
* the short term person leaves and this then re-proves to you that your “intense” reaction is unbearable, that you are unbearable and lots of other bad stuff about you.

Don’t you think this is a pattern worth breaking? It’s guaranteed to end in hurt every time. The “safe” option is really so so harmful and hurtful for you.

> i don't know that i can do this.
> just a couple more sessions...
> then i'm going to see her supervisor for a month.

I bet the insight felt pretty scary and just highlighted how unsafe your T feels. I can understand why the pull towards the short term supervisor would be so strong. Your escape hatch back to “safety”.

But remember how unsafe short term truly is for you?

Seeing as the supervisor is only short term, there’s a good chance you’ll attach strongly. You know this is your pattern. This may cause big problems for you at the end of the month. This may make it even harder to go back to your T.

It is so important you talk to your T about all this. It would be great if you could take this thread in to her. A much more helpful option may be to NOT see the supervisor. To work out strategies with your T to have a link with her. Maybe she can write a letter for you. Maybe you can send her emails. Something. It sounds so very important to find a way to break your cycle. To resist the pull of the “safer” option.

This is the only way to heal alex. You understand your unhealthy patterns and then find ways to break them. Then work on breaking those patterns. Over and over and over. Very very hard and scary and challenging and heartbreaking and hopeless and terrifying. But it is the only way forward.

> i wish... i wasn't like this. but what are you supposed to do when you don't feel anything? i don't feel anything for her. or when i do feel something... it isn't nice. it is all the bad feelings...

What are you supposed to do when you don’t feel anything? You keep working on it.

It took me a good year and a half before I could see that I was beginning to attach to my T. Before that he was just some guy I saw twice a week. I think he saw quiet signs of my attachment long before I did. But still, it took a long time for me to feel stuff for him. Even now, when I’m in the nothingness I think I have no attachment. He’s just nothing to me. Often he doesn’t even exist for me except when he’s right in front of me during a session.

Some people take a long time to work up to feeling a connection with someone. And it’s possible you deliberately don’t connect (I’m talking about on an unconscious level here) in an effort to defend yourself from the “unsafe” permanent T. It provides you with a good logical reason to leave, doesn’t it?

> i'm scared... i'm scared that i'll destroy her.

You won’t destroy her alex. You haven’t destroyed anyone yet have you? No one has vapourised in front of your “intensity”? No one has had to be lead away from you in a straight jacket babbling incoherently?

You need to do these things *in spite of* the fear. THAT is healing.

You said you see your T tomorrow? How about we sit amongst the flowers together until then. Give them a chance to sooth and calm your soul a little. We can watch the butterflies flit and the bees buzz and the birds twitter. We can smell the flowers and watch them nod their heavy heads in the breeze. I’d be happy to sit with you alex.




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