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Something I need to share with you » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on October 26, 2006, at 2:33:54

In reply to Re: ((((((((((Damos)))))))))) » damos, posted by alexandra_k on October 13, 2006, at 0:29:44

Hi Alex,

Don't know if you're reading or not - hope so. Don't even have any real way of knowing how you're feeling right now. You know how intensely private I am so this isn't easy, but there's something I need to share with you. Okay.

Back in '86 I did someone a favour. How did he show his appreciation? By trying to rape me later that night - that's how. In my home; in my room. I'm not even gonna go there or talk about all that goes with that if that's okay, maybe another day - it's waited 20 years it can wait a little longer. But what made it even worse was that he was mates with people I worked with and played rugby with. And there were all these looks and whispers and I didn't understand it. And just quietly over time I was left out of stuff, excluded from things, and things were said and done - not nice things. You see they knew - his spin. The BIG man, the man's man. And I blamed me, silently, internally. Guess I still do. And there was nothing to be done. I did try to talk about it - just the once back then, to tell someone I thought I could trust, and that was the single biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. Wouldn't have thought it was possible to be made feel more worthless, disgusting and dirty but I was. Just thinking about it now is making my skin crawl. I've only mentioned any of this one other time in all these years.

Alex, I believed everyone knew, and that they thought certain things about me because of what he'd said. Couldn't face me, or work. or training, anywhere anyone I knew might be - anywhere I might be. Just being around people was a major problem. It still messes with me today. Didn't have too much choice when it came to work, or at least I didn't see that I did. But my performance dropped off so bad I was put 'on notice' and officially counselled. Had no-one and nowhere. Was on auto-pilot. Wished so hard for the earth to open up and swallow me, and worse - a whole lot worse. It was not a nice time, and is hard to go back to. The looks and stuff did eventually die down after what seemed a lifetime, but which was in reality I guess more like several weeks. Everyones lives moved on I guess. But not mine. I stopped living for a lot longer than that basically because of what I thought people thought about me and because of what I thought about myself. But you see I hadn't done anything wrong. Later I even slowly began to realise that I'd been ascribing my feelings about myself onto some other people - good people. Cutting myself off and hurting myself even more.

And I went on to let other bad things happen because of it and how little I thought of me.

Alex, you haven't done anything wrong either. Nothing that has happened makes you a bad person, or any less worthy of respect, kindness, love and affection. It just doesn't. And as hard as it might be to believe right now, this is not the end of the world. Things will get better. There will be better times. People will come and go and other things will come along to occupy their attention. These feelings, and the apparent consequences are only temporary. Please believe me on this.

I bet if you took 5-10 minutes right now, and just thought about the last 12-18mths you could make a list of times when you've felt a whole lot different to how you maybe do right now. I wonder if there might even be things on that list that not so long ago you might not have even imagined were possible - don't know. Bet you could even think of some times where you took a risk and/or trusted people and your judgement turned out to be good. Can you try for me please?

Here's just one from my list. I shared pizza, merlot and a wonderful conversation with a friend and it/I was okay (I can be a bit strange when it comes to eating with others and I'm not exactly a stunning conversationalist). Funny, thinking about it now I had had a major panic the previous evening for that very reason and just hid in my room and didn't even go out.

Part of me wonders if some of how you're feeling about this relates to a change in you. Maybe somewhere along the line your values (the way you want to live your life), or maybe just your sense of your own self worth changed without you even realising it. And this has crashed hard up against that. Don't know, maybe.

Alex, you can't control what other people think and feel. The most you can do is live your life the best way you know how, and try to be the type of person you want to be. Get on with doing things that are important to you - have meaning for you. Easy said I know. You can't get what happened back, you can't undo it, or control all the cr*p that comes as a result. And that sucks severely, and hurts like hell too, and I'm sorry that it does. But maybe as painful as it is, something good can come out of it. Maybe already has a little, in your listening to your intuition and not letting yourself be taken advantage of again. Just maybe your sense of your own self worth really has grown, is growing - I really hope so.

I remember a quote from a speech Dr Albert Ellis gave at a conference, he said "We f*ck up. We are not f*ck-ups." And he's right.

I'm sorry Alex,sh*t I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just please don't give up on yourself okay. Please don't. Don't let this one thing steal everything. You've come so far and done so much - just this year, and I just know there is so much more out there waiting for you. I just know it.

You know it's been a long time since I was with anyone. What you don't know is why. You see the last time ended with me spewing my guts up and then crawling into the shower and sitting there crying and trying to scrub myself clean for the longest time, only to realise that the filth was on the inside, was me. Amazing how we can alow ourselves to be made feel. That was when I promised myself never to let myself feel that way again, and to try to never do anything that would make someone else feel that way.

I so don't want you to feel as I have. Please find a way to be the wonderful and amazing young woman you truly are and to find the love and happiness you deserve in your life. I wish those things for you with all my heart.

Please take really good care of you okay, you're very special to us.



P.S: Anyone else who reads this, please just leave it be. Thank you.




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