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Posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:20:34

I have a personality disorder. I realize that isn't a surprise to anybody who's familiar with me online or in real life. The people who don't realize it are my friends. The people who can live with the way I am, the people I've never acted out with, the people who see only a few sides of me but not all of me, they are my friends.

I have few friends. I don't know what my disorder is. I really can only guess. And my guesses would likely be almost-right, not totally correct but quite accurate, really, I think, for the most part. When I'm honest with myself.

So what's honesty? Where does that lie? Here, right here and right now. I've accused my DF (dear father) of being a person with a disorder, but if he does in fact have that, it doesn't matter. The thing is that I do. I am a splitter. I split people to get their perceived love. And I don't understand why I do that. Or did that. I maintain that I think it's disgusting. I maintain that I think it's immoral. I maintain, that I disgust myself when I have caught myself doing that, and that lately, I have just done it again. Because I am extremely threatened by the fact that I am afraid and extremely mistrustful of people. Every person. Doesn't matter how close they feel, it... I don't know, it just feels like it can be destroyed, somehow, so easily. I have this extreme complex that.. if a person were to be cruel, or miserable, they could say I have a martyr complex. And my mother, I always thought, she was a martyr. And I hate(d) that.

I've learned, I've actually Trained myself, to live in the Past. Why? Why? And I know I'm the female version of a misogynist. I think I am anyway. I don't know. The fact is that I really think many men are lovely, absolutely charming and wholesome. But not for me. For me they all seem to get kind of.. disgusting somehow, like I'm not seen as being whole, complete, worthy of them somehow. But I know I'm really not, only I really want to be. I want to be.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know if I can change.
I want to be different. I want to be whole and loved and loving. I want to have healthy, whole children, and thank God they will be, because they have a father who really loves them and cares about them. He's really wonderful in many, many ways. And for many years he kept me afloat, he floated me with his love. Eventually, though, as had to be, I sank, because nobody can float a drowning person forever.

Maybe seeing the truth for, like, the 6th time in my life, you know these moments of truth, when a soul hits Rock Bottom, one step from eternity .. those moments can be defining. If I let it be.

I already know I can't be That, anymore. I know I can't continue to live with myself knowing that I have this deficiency of love. A deficiency of forgiveness, and forgetting, and moving on.

I can't live with hating myself. I can't live with that hate anymore. I've been hated since I was a little little kid. Lots of people have. I'm not the only one. I don't like that I have this martyr spot in me, this feeling-sorry-for-myself; if-somebody-has-to-hurt-why-does-it-always-have-to-be-me thing, this craving for something bigger than me, this desire to immolate myself and become part of Love, the thing I don't have for myself, the thing I can't seem to get, but then why, Why if they say you don't love yourself you can't love others, Then Why do I feel so much empathy for others, is it my self-pity that allows me to have that? Because the fact is that I truly Like people, I Love being around people, I Love them and they Love me and it's true, it is true that I am appreciated and valued and I appreciate and value others.

It's just the deepest part of myself, inside myself, when I know that others have betrayed me, that I can't let go. I can't let go of that and it poisons those relationships and when it's Family, when it's Family and once-friends, and when I'm standing here alone, because I have isolated myself from people my entire life, really ....

Getting help, is that the only way? I don't want to be 60 years old before I throw my first real dinner party, all by myself, whatever it be, because I don't know who would want to spend time with me, because the fact is, I have spent my entire lifetime being alone, inside myself, and I am limited.

This is no way to live, anymore. It's unbearable.




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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

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