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Re: Susan47

Posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 22:03:14

In reply to Re: Susan47 Toph, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 14:37:06

... I sense I'm gonna ramble, so forgive me in advance...

Susan47 (safe hugs), I think it always matters what/who/where a person comes from. I'd like it not to be, but I believe it's very relevant. I really felt for you when you were talking about martyrdom, and how difficult it is knowing what's behind the facade of our familys.

Children aren't born "dark-hearted". I'm glad that you don't think that you were always how you see yourself now -- though from your post, I don't think that you are unworthy of love or friends, or are not a good person, just as you are now. It's true that I don't know you personally, but I would think highly of anyone who sounded so sensitive and introspective, and who actually wanted to learn how to make their life more heart-fulfilling.

It's hard to grow-up in a family that festers behind a clean veneer -- there is no external verification of cruelty or abuse. You start to question "Are they really so bad?", "Is it just me? Am I even worse?" I know those questions well. And it's hard to see parents offer love to everyone but their own child -- you learn to wonder what the h*ll is so vile about you that a parent can't be loving to their own offspring. It's like having hidden bruises -- and those ones hurt most of all.

Sorry, if I went off on a tangent. I really identify with what you were talking about. You do not have to become your parents. I don't have much advice about HOW to change though, except that I like to never hold back when I have the urge to express a positive emotion. It took so long to learn to start having/recognizing them within myself. I feel very un-like my parents when I push aside the old pride and fear and shame I used to feel about "revealing" myself, and any soft or gentle feelings I had for another. I feel like I'm changing from them all the times that I admit that I am wrong -- all the times I apoligize when it's called for -- all the times I forgive others for mistakes -- all the times I'm brave enough to be vulnerable -- all the times I have tears for others. But as for some lovely phrase, or specific advice -- I have neither.

I think the fact that you even Admit that you may sometimes act like they have, is proof that you are already changing from them.

(more safe hugs?) Elaine


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poster:ElaineM thread:672938
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/673130.html