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Oh No, It wasn't a Tangent ElaineM

Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:18:42

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 22:03:14

> ... I sense I'm gonna ramble, so forgive me in advance...
>
> Susan47 (safe hugs), I think it always matters what/who/where a person comes from. I'd like it not to be, but I believe it's very relevant. I really felt for you when you were talking about martyrdom, and how difficult it is knowing what's behind the facade of our familys.
>
> Children aren't born "dark-hearted". I'm glad that you don't think that you were always how you see yourself now -- though from your post, I don't think that you are unworthy of love or friends, or are not a good person, just as you are now. It's true that I don't know you personally, but I would think highly of anyone who sounded so sensitive and introspective, and who actually wanted to learn how to make their life more heart-fulfilling.
>
> It's hard to grow-up in a family that festers behind a clean veneer -- there is no external verification of cruelty or abuse. You start to question "Are they really so bad?", "Is it just me? Am I even worse?" I know those questions well. And it's hard to see parents offer love to everyone but their own child -- you learn to wonder what the h*ll is so vile about you that a parent can't be loving to their own offspring. It's like having hidden bruises -- and those ones hurt most of all.
> Sorry, if I went off on a tangent.
No, actually you completely just explained a nightmare I've been haunted by for the last .. this will sound really pathetic but it's true .. 45 years or so ... yeah. The one with all the cuts, the one where I was crying, begging them to stop, and no one would. Everyone laughed, and just reached out with the knife for another spot, one that hadn't yet been cut out of me. Yes.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Right to the end. Because what you wrote, about being different, and all the ways you remind yourself .. well, those are good things to remember, yes. I believe I try harder because of my own pain, because of my ability to look at my pain .. but it isn't easy, and it's slow, and it's like an onion I keep peeling away and oh God there's another layer, another thing about myself to look at, to work on, to better, and it's never-ending. Which is a good thing but still .. it's emotionally really really draining. And it can be hard on the soul. It's definitely hard on the self-esteem. But the striving to change it, and the rewards, well the rewards have to start building, don't they? I hope so. It's slow, but I believe it's started. I hope it has. I want things to be Really Wonderful for my kids.

I keep reminding myself that they actually are wonderful people, and really liked by everyone for who they are. Do you know what a Blessing that is?


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poster:susan47 thread:672938
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/673521.html