Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 672938

Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Susan47

Posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:20:34

I have a personality disorder. I realize that isn't a surprise to anybody who's familiar with me online or in real life. The people who don't realize it are my friends. The people who can live with the way I am, the people I've never acted out with, the people who see only a few sides of me but not all of me, they are my friends.

I have few friends. I don't know what my disorder is. I really can only guess. And my guesses would likely be almost-right, not totally correct but quite accurate, really, I think, for the most part. When I'm honest with myself.

So what's honesty? Where does that lie? Here, right here and right now. I've accused my DF (dear father) of being a person with a disorder, but if he does in fact have that, it doesn't matter. The thing is that I do. I am a splitter. I split people to get their perceived love. And I don't understand why I do that. Or did that. I maintain that I think it's disgusting. I maintain that I think it's immoral. I maintain, that I disgust myself when I have caught myself doing that, and that lately, I have just done it again. Because I am extremely threatened by the fact that I am afraid and extremely mistrustful of people. Every person. Doesn't matter how close they feel, it... I don't know, it just feels like it can be destroyed, somehow, so easily. I have this extreme complex that.. if a person were to be cruel, or miserable, they could say I have a martyr complex. And my mother, I always thought, she was a martyr. And I hate(d) that.

I've learned, I've actually Trained myself, to live in the Past. Why? Why? And I know I'm the female version of a misogynist. I think I am anyway. I don't know. The fact is that I really think many men are lovely, absolutely charming and wholesome. But not for me. For me they all seem to get kind of.. disgusting somehow, like I'm not seen as being whole, complete, worthy of them somehow. But I know I'm really not, only I really want to be. I want to be.

I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't know if I can change.
I want to be different. I want to be whole and loved and loving. I want to have healthy, whole children, and thank God they will be, because they have a father who really loves them and cares about them. He's really wonderful in many, many ways. And for many years he kept me afloat, he floated me with his love. Eventually, though, as had to be, I sank, because nobody can float a drowning person forever.

Maybe seeing the truth for, like, the 6th time in my life, you know these moments of truth, when a soul hits Rock Bottom, one step from eternity .. those moments can be defining. If I let it be.

I already know I can't be That, anymore. I know I can't continue to live with myself knowing that I have this deficiency of love. A deficiency of forgiveness, and forgetting, and moving on.

I can't live with hating myself. I can't live with that hate anymore. I've been hated since I was a little little kid. Lots of people have. I'm not the only one. I don't like that I have this martyr spot in me, this feeling-sorry-for-myself; if-somebody-has-to-hurt-why-does-it-always-have-to-be-me thing, this craving for something bigger than me, this desire to immolate myself and become part of Love, the thing I don't have for myself, the thing I can't seem to get, but then why, Why if they say you don't love yourself you can't love others, Then Why do I feel so much empathy for others, is it my self-pity that allows me to have that? Because the fact is that I truly Like people, I Love being around people, I Love them and they Love me and it's true, it is true that I am appreciated and valued and I appreciate and value others.

It's just the deepest part of myself, inside myself, when I know that others have betrayed me, that I can't let go. I can't let go of that and it poisons those relationships and when it's Family, when it's Family and once-friends, and when I'm standing here alone, because I have isolated myself from people my entire life, really ....

Getting help, is that the only way? I don't want to be 60 years old before I throw my first real dinner party, all by myself, whatever it be, because I don't know who would want to spend time with me, because the fact is, I have spent my entire lifetime being alone, inside myself, and I am limited.

This is no way to live, anymore. It's unbearable.

 

Re: Susan47

Posted by Toph on August 2, 2006, at 12:41:16

In reply to Susan47, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:20:34

Susan, I wish I cold offer something really insightful and/or hopeful, but you seem to know yourself really well and I identify with your sense of futility about getting better. I will venture to say that many of those of us who have come to know you would consider themselves your friend. You have exposed yourself to us in an honest way that not all here would have the courage to do. I hope you find a way of coming to terms with that which prevents you from being contented with yourself. And I hope you save me a seat at your dinner party.

 

Re: Susan47 » Toph

Posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 14:37:06

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by Toph on August 2, 2006, at 12:41:16

That was a nice thing to say, and I appreciate it Toph, thank-you... but it shouldn't matter, should it, that I come from a vicious back-stabbing family, that the things my parents say about people including their children, are horrible, and that they have a blind eye to those things, they're blind to how judgemental they are always have been and how much it hurt their children, how much it hurt me, how much it hurts to know I am badly judged for everything and always have been. That they are this way with few people now, that they are this way with me, and uncomfortable because I know who they really are, I know how malignant their hearts can be.
But then, so can mine. So can mine. My heart can also be dark, and it has been, and it will be again, and I have to rise to the challenge, and change the darkness to rose, to the colour of love. Because my heart wasn't originally this way. I know that. I know my heart is not this way at all, I know this is all learned malignancy and that I can change it.
I just don't know how, who to go to, who will understand, how I can help myself, how can I be helped? How?

 

Re: Susan47 - don't fold

Posted by Toph on August 2, 2006, at 17:36:56

In reply to Re: Susan47 » Toph, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 14:37:06

There's our genetics, and our brain chemistry, our experiences and the environment into which we were deposited - that's the hand we were delt. I suppose it is still up to us how we play out our hand. In poker, if you're clever, you can still make something out of a sh*tty hand.

 

Re: Susan47

Posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 22:03:14

In reply to Re: Susan47 » Toph, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 14:37:06

... I sense I'm gonna ramble, so forgive me in advance...

Susan47 (safe hugs), I think it always matters what/who/where a person comes from. I'd like it not to be, but I believe it's very relevant. I really felt for you when you were talking about martyrdom, and how difficult it is knowing what's behind the facade of our familys.

Children aren't born "dark-hearted". I'm glad that you don't think that you were always how you see yourself now -- though from your post, I don't think that you are unworthy of love or friends, or are not a good person, just as you are now. It's true that I don't know you personally, but I would think highly of anyone who sounded so sensitive and introspective, and who actually wanted to learn how to make their life more heart-fulfilling.

It's hard to grow-up in a family that festers behind a clean veneer -- there is no external verification of cruelty or abuse. You start to question "Are they really so bad?", "Is it just me? Am I even worse?" I know those questions well. And it's hard to see parents offer love to everyone but their own child -- you learn to wonder what the h*ll is so vile about you that a parent can't be loving to their own offspring. It's like having hidden bruises -- and those ones hurt most of all.

Sorry, if I went off on a tangent. I really identify with what you were talking about. You do not have to become your parents. I don't have much advice about HOW to change though, except that I like to never hold back when I have the urge to express a positive emotion. It took so long to learn to start having/recognizing them within myself. I feel very un-like my parents when I push aside the old pride and fear and shame I used to feel about "revealing" myself, and any soft or gentle feelings I had for another. I feel like I'm changing from them all the times that I admit that I am wrong -- all the times I apoligize when it's called for -- all the times I forgive others for mistakes -- all the times I'm brave enough to be vulnerable -- all the times I have tears for others. But as for some lovely phrase, or specific advice -- I have neither.

I think the fact that you even Admit that you may sometimes act like they have, is proof that you are already changing from them.

(more safe hugs?) Elaine

 

Re: Susan47

Posted by canadagirl on August 3, 2006, at 16:25:38

In reply to Susan47, posted by susan47 on August 2, 2006, at 12:20:34

Susan you write so beautifully. I don't have any answers, but the depth of your writing says that there is a "deep" person in there, personality disorder or not. We all have a personality disorder to some extent anyway right? Or we wouldn't have any personality :)
Trust comes in baby steps, it takes considerable "letting go" and confidence to trust someone. That doesn't happen overnight. Especially when we have been hurt for so long. All I can offer is, try to risk it (trust). There are no guarantees, but sometimes it turns out to be worth the risk.


 

Re: Susan47 - don't fold; True (nm) » Toph

Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:09:43

In reply to Re: Susan47 - don't fold, posted by Toph on August 2, 2006, at 17:36:56

 

Oh No, It wasn't a Tangent » ElaineM

Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:18:42

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by ElaineM on August 2, 2006, at 22:03:14

> ... I sense I'm gonna ramble, so forgive me in advance...
>
> Susan47 (safe hugs), I think it always matters what/who/where a person comes from. I'd like it not to be, but I believe it's very relevant. I really felt for you when you were talking about martyrdom, and how difficult it is knowing what's behind the facade of our familys.
>
> Children aren't born "dark-hearted". I'm glad that you don't think that you were always how you see yourself now -- though from your post, I don't think that you are unworthy of love or friends, or are not a good person, just as you are now. It's true that I don't know you personally, but I would think highly of anyone who sounded so sensitive and introspective, and who actually wanted to learn how to make their life more heart-fulfilling.
>
> It's hard to grow-up in a family that festers behind a clean veneer -- there is no external verification of cruelty or abuse. You start to question "Are they really so bad?", "Is it just me? Am I even worse?" I know those questions well. And it's hard to see parents offer love to everyone but their own child -- you learn to wonder what the h*ll is so vile about you that a parent can't be loving to their own offspring. It's like having hidden bruises -- and those ones hurt most of all.
> Sorry, if I went off on a tangent.
No, actually you completely just explained a nightmare I've been haunted by for the last .. this will sound really pathetic but it's true .. 45 years or so ... yeah. The one with all the cuts, the one where I was crying, begging them to stop, and no one would. Everyone laughed, and just reached out with the knife for another spot, one that hadn't yet been cut out of me. Yes.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. Right to the end. Because what you wrote, about being different, and all the ways you remind yourself .. well, those are good things to remember, yes. I believe I try harder because of my own pain, because of my ability to look at my pain .. but it isn't easy, and it's slow, and it's like an onion I keep peeling away and oh God there's another layer, another thing about myself to look at, to work on, to better, and it's never-ending. Which is a good thing but still .. it's emotionally really really draining. And it can be hard on the soul. It's definitely hard on the self-esteem. But the striving to change it, and the rewards, well the rewards have to start building, don't they? I hope so. It's slow, but I believe it's started. I hope it has. I want things to be Really Wonderful for my kids.

I keep reminding myself that they actually are wonderful people, and really liked by everyone for who they are. Do you know what a Blessing that is?

 

Re: Susan47

Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:31:51

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by canadagirl on August 3, 2006, at 16:25:38

> Susan you write so beautifully. I don't have any answers, but the depth of your writing says that there is a "deep" person in there, personality disorder or not. We all have a personality disorder to some extent anyway right? Or we wouldn't have any personality :)

I like that. Actually I believe a personality disorder is simply a very exaggerated form of something that's already naturally available to every human being. And some of us play things out differently at different times in our lives, and some get caught up in a particular way of being. Maybe. I think.

> Trust comes in baby steps, it takes considerable "letting go" and confidence to trust someone. That doesn't happen overnight. Especially when we have been hurt for so long. All I can offer is, try to risk it (trust). There are no guarantees, but sometimes it turns out to be worth the risk.

Have you found it worth the risk?

 

Sorry, above for Canadagirl thanks (nm)

Posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:38:21

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:31:51

 

Re: Susan47

Posted by canadagirl on August 4, 2006, at 5:43:09

In reply to Re: Susan47, posted by susan47 on August 4, 2006, at 1:31:51

>>> Have you found it worth the risk?<<

Yes I have taken that leap of faith to trust and to open up sometimes, and show the vulnerable side (so hard). Suprisingly, no one has jumped on that as an opportunity to be horrible to me, but they have welcomed it, and that therefore reinforces the willingness to take that risk again. I understand, it's very hard.



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