Posted by DisposableDoll on April 25, 2006, at 17:52:56
I don't know what to say. I tried to write my thoughts down in Microsoft Works to be pasted here after editing, but decided that was a bad idea, since what I wrote totaled 5 pages and that was after I was conservative with the length! I know no one wants to read all of that. Look, let me try to summarize part of it, anyways. I have a crush on my counselor, which is obvious from the title of this piece. At first, I simply decided I liked my counselor as a person. Then, I think I eventually began transferring my father on to my counselor and I felt like I was daddy complex-ing him, somewhat. I tend to look for older men to replace my father to a degree, so I was kind of used to this. I thought that it was odd that I was thinking of my shrink in this manner, however, because I hadn't considered him old enough to be my father, even though he technically is old enough. I am in my early-mid 20's and my shrink is almost exactly 21 years older than me. However, he didn't seem old enough to be my dad because I am used to having older parents. My father is 16 years and a few months older than my counselor and my mother is a little over 14 and a half years my therapist's senior. Plus, while my therapist has a son, his child is much younger than myself and my therapist actually looks a bit younger than his age, to me. Later, after my fiancé left me, I kind of feel like I started transferring my ex-fiancé onto my therapist, instead. Even when I was daddy complex-ing him, he reminded me in certain ways of my then, fiancé. After my fiancé left me, at some point, the crush developed. However, I think some of my feelings for my therapist are actually genuine and not transference. I know it is hopeless and he would never even secretly want me romantically or sexually, let alone admit it or act on it, but I still want him.
He is not traditionally handsome, I don’t suppose, but I think he is kinda cute, physically speaking. Also, I find him intelligent, empathetic (I think he genuinely cares, and I really like empathy in a mate), well spoken, non-judgmental (I think most shrinks are judgmental, but feel he sincerely isn’t), a good listener, open minded, he is interested in some of the same things that I am, I’ve been opening up to him, he has actual let me in a little into his own world, though not so much, etc. and I feel all of this is lending to me liking him. I like some little things about him, too. For instance, the way he actually seems kind of bashful, sometimes. Normally I am not attracted to shyness in men, but I find it kind of cute when he acts this way. Although in some ways he is the polar opposite of my last boyfriend, in some other ways, he does remind me of him- such as the empathy, and in some ways, his appearance, and a couple other mannerisms and habits. I may be partially transferring my boyfriend on to him, but I don’t think that is all of it.
Even before I started feeling romantically towards him, I wanted him to hug me and touch me. I have always really needed physical affection and I often crave it. It seems I don’t get enough. And when I like someone, especially in that fatherly way, I want them to hold me and show me affection. At first my counselor never touched me, but one day he did put his hand on my knee when he was comforting me. However, afterwards he started touching me as though I were fire. Touching me lightly, hesitantly, then quickly pulling away, but sometimes repeating the same hesitant, quick, fleeting, light touch afterwards a few more times. Now I want him to touch me even more, but he hasn’t in so long.
Anyways, I know it is completely ridiculous to even think that it may be possible to have a romantic/sexual relationship with him for several reasons. Let’s see- 1. He’s married- happily, I believe, since he has said to me that he loves his wife dearly. 2. He has a child. 3. He seems to view himself as an old man and me as an adolescent, although puberty is certainly over for me and has been for awhile, and he is hardly old. 4. He keeps forgetting that I am above the age of 21 and keeps thinking I am below drinking age, instead. While I can be mature in some ways, in other ways I can be childish, and until recently I’ve been living at home with my mother, so perhaps this is why he forgets. Plus, people are often telling me I look younger than I actually am, and I think that is likely to be partly responsible, as well. This probably won’t help out on number three. 5. Given his job position, he would probably feel it unethical to do anything with a patient, regardless of that person’s age or his marital status/happiness. Not to mention that he knows the break up has left me very lonely and vulnerable. 6. He would prob. also be afraid of jeopardizing his career, although personally, I think we could keep it secret. I know those are famous last words, but I really do. 7. I’m not exactly desirable. Oh, by the way, I have actually thought up counter arguments to all of this for when he offers these things up as excuses.
I think about him holding me, cuddling with me, talking romantically- and at times, down right vulgar- to me. I imagine us just hanging out and I day dream about seducing him and about him making love to me. I imagine he’s either the really gentle type, or he’s a complete freak in bed. Possibly both. I think he’d go to some extreme or the other. I imagine how intimate it would be just to be naked around him. I imagine how bashful he would be and how at the same time, he’d be trying to reassure me, and I think about him holding me afterwards. I think about him sometimes when I masturbate. While I know it is crazy, I keep thinking about him and how I can seduce him. Logically I know it isn’t possible, but I keep thinking about it as though it were possible, trying to come up with ideas of how to impress him with my best attributes- mental, emotional, and physical. I even tried on clothes with him in mind. I asked myself, “Would my therapist find this outfit sexy on me?” And things of that nature. Having him like me on a non-physical level is most desirable, but I want him to like me in a romantic/sexual way as well, which means I prob. need to make myself look physically attractive in order to make him think of me sexually and not just as some cute little confused kid, thus the clothing idea. Though, I can't imagine that it is possible for him to find me attractive, and that is very disheartening.
In a way, I think part of me has been thinking of this almost as a game. At one point I decided that even if I couldn’t get him to admit he wanted or liked me and even if I couldn’t have him, I wanted to make him want me, and hopefully get some sort of idea that he wanted me by the tone of his voice, the look in his eyes, etc. I think in some ways I am transferring both my father and my ex-fiancé on to him and I think in some ways I am just really lonely and he honestly does seem to hold attributes I find attractive, plus we already have intimate conversations going on. Furthermore, if he would have me, he could feed my need for some intimacy without the fear of getting too close. Also, I think I am also using him and this seduction idea as a diversion to turn my attention from dwelling on the loss of my boyfriend’s romantic affections and my confusion, pain, etc. surrounding that.
I was telling a friend of mine about this and they asked what I would do if he actually accepted my advances and they said this in a challenging tone, as though they thought I would freak out and try to back out of it, but honestly, if he wanted me, I think I’d let him have me, if you know what I mean. I do want to point out that while I am a tad obsessive, I am not the type of person who would intentionally hurt him or his family. I mean, true I would sleep with him if he would consent, which I know would be harmful and I know it’s selfish and wrong and I would feel guilty, but I would probably do it. However, I would NEVER do anything else. I would never physically assault him or his wife or child. I would never sexually assault him. Nothing like that at all. While my attraction to him is partially sexual, it is more than that. It is greatly affectionate and almost innocent, aside from the fact that he is married. I want to tell him how I feel, but I don’t expect him to reciprocate my feelings and even if he did, I don‘t expect him to admit it, or act on it. It bothers me knowing he doesn’t feel the same or even remotely close. Yet, I still want to let him know how I feel and to discuss it. I would hope he would be flattered and I wish, though unlikely- very unlikely- that maybe he would even let me know I would be attractive to him if he wasn’t married. *sighs* But I am afraid to tell him. I am afraid it will make him or myself feel awkward or nervous and that it will always be on our minds in therapy from there on out. I have been so at ease with him and I don‘t want to jeopardize that. I am also afraid it will frighten him off from touching me at all, although even now he does so rarely and in an odd fashion, as though afraid. I think it is that “try not to touch so much” rule shrinks have, conflicting with his natural empathic desire to physically comfort through affection. Anyways, I am also afraid he will not be so likely to talk to me after hours when I am freaking out, etc. because he won’t want to do anything extra for me as he has been doing (he’s that kind of go the extra distance shrink) because he may fear that might encourage my affections or give me the wrong idea. Worse, yet, I am afraid he might recommend I see a different therapist because he may think I have become too attached to him or that my feelings or his resulting will screw things up, but he is the best mental health professional I have ever had and I don’t want to lose him. He is the first one that has been a real joy. I prefer him to every other counselor, therapist, nurse practitioner, psychologist, and psychiatrist that I have ever had.
He doesn't know how I feel, I’m pretty sure, though he is VERY perceptive at times and has picked up on things I had NO idea I’d let him in on, so it is possible he does have some inclination already, but I doubt it. I know it's wrong (he's married and has a son), and hopeless.......but I am getting obsessive about it. I tend to obsess. It's in my nature. Not dangerously obsessive. As I said, I'm not going to kill his wife or rape him or anything. I'll just drive myself psycho about it. While I have taken to very subtly trying to seduce him, I am nervous about doing too much for fear that he will notice and get weird about it. Now, I know I need to quit thinking this way, but it is difficult. I am just so damn lonely and whether it’s hopeless or not, I like this man. I don't want to switch therapists because he is the best therapist I have EVER had and I feel very comfortable talking to him. I would recommend him to ANYONE and EVERYONE. However, it is actually starting to hurt me somewhat....this wanting him and not being able to have him. I try to tell myself it's not possible and logically I know this, but my mind keeps drifting back to it. As has been stated, I think to some degree I am using his as a diversion from my other problems and dwelling on my ex and my dad, but to some degree I think I genuinely like him. Although, I know he will reject me romantically and sexually, as I have also said, I feel the desire to tell him how I feel just to have it out in the open and perhaps talk about it, but I am afraid that he will suggest I seek another therapist or at the very least that things will become awkward. I am so confused. I just want him to hold me and tell me he isn’t going anywhere. I know this part does sound a little psycho or dangerous, but there was a time when I was thinking about harming myself just to get extra attention from him and I fantasized about it, but I didn’t. I didn’t have to. He notices me anyways and I didn‘t want to be hospitalized, plus, it felt so fake even thinking of doing that. I don’t want to be fake. I did eventually hurt myself, but not because of him. I self harm, anyways, I had just taken a hiatus from it, kept it in control, etc. Then something set it off. I actually didn’t tell him that I did it for a long time, even though I love his attention. I didn’t actually do it for attention and I was afraid to let him know that I had done it because I didn’t want to be hospitalized, but I felt the need to let him know because I wanted someone to realize how bad things were getting for me. That I was taking drugs again and I was hurting myself again and I was thinking about suicide. I did eventually tell him about the self harm, but only after sufficient time had passed that I thought he wouldn’t report me, and I told him I had quit, but I haven’t. I got really suicidal, but I didn’t tell him that either, and eventually I ended up giving in and checking myself into a psych ward and admitting to staff that I had suicidal thoughts and I did still hurt myself. The last time I saw him, I admitted I had been suicidal, but hadn’t told him due to fear of hospitalization. Anyways, I have no intention of hurting myself for his attention. I want a different kind of attention from him, and I don’t want to be fake and that would feel fake.
I have thought about trying to run into him outside the office on purpose, but making it seem accidental, so we could have a chance to chat in a different setting, but the few times I have seen him out he is usually in a hurry to get going and he is afraid to say much to me for fear of confidentiality issues. Everyone around knows he is a therapist. Anyways, I don’t want it to sound like I’m a crazy stalker. I mean, I wouldn’t show up at his house or anything or watch him shower or follow him everywhere and read his mail. I’m not that bad off. Anyways, the thing is, I still want things to work out with my boyfriend and the situation is very confusing with him. I tell myself just to relax and wait to see how things go, but then I tell myself my hope is only making the wound stay open longer and I am confused and frustrated and lonely and I don’t know what the hell, I’m doing and I‘m trying to take my mind off of things and trying to have a half *ss relationship with someone that has some intimacy and stability, but no commitment and not too much intimacy because I don’t want to commit to anyone else right now and I am still in love with my ex and I feel jaded. I also know it’s best just to leave the whole shrink situation alone because losing my therapist would REALLY hurt me and I think would be detrimental to me. I do not consider myself a threat to him or his family at all. The only way I could possible be any kind of threat is if he actually reciprocated, I would prob. Go through with the affair and it could hurt his family or career, but I would try desperately to keep anyone from knowing. I know it’s wrong, but I want him. *sighs* Help! Should I tell him or will he leave me? I need him right now as my therapist and don’t want to damage our relationship by throwing this emotionally charged information at him that involves the both of us……and I don’t want to lose him. *sighs* I am so confused. If I don’t tell him, could I hint at it and be safe in thinking that he wouldn’t have enough evidence to push me away? Like telling him I dreamt about him or something? Thanks everyone! Oh, one more thing- do I sound crazy? And yes, I can handle being told that I do....just be nice about it....as nice as one can be when saying you sould crazy, psycho, nucking futz, etc.
poster:DisposableDoll
thread:636996
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/636996.html