Posted by orchid on April 4, 2006, at 14:13:59
In reply to More explanation, posted by Daisym on April 4, 2006, at 11:41:53
Hi Daisy,
First of all, you are so wrong on this idea that you are not of help to anyone. And that you cannot ask for help if you don't offer. I personally, when I was hurting so immensely a while back, got so much of healing done just by reading what you wrote about your own struggles - by how your therapist responded to you, reading his extremely wise words, and found my own healing through his words to you, since we had a similar kind of struggle. You have been of immense help, without even knowing about it. So please don't hesitate to write and ask for help if you need. You are doing *us* a favor by writing here.And besides, even if someone is not emotionally capable of helping at some point, it is completely ok to just ask for help. You don't have to take turns. I am sure many of us here, just want to help whenever we can - because it helps us to help others. When I write something of help to someone, I feel good about myself too. And I heal through helping others as well. I got lot of my self esteem from the very fact that what I used to write helped other people. So even if you look at it from this perspective, you end up doing *me* a favor by asking for help.
So please don't hesitate to ask for help whenever you want.
And it really pains to see you suffering so much. I think I can understand the pain to some extent, but maybe not fully. Only you will be able to understand it to the full extent. And I think you are somewhat right in having to face the monster by yourself. All of us end up having to deal with our own innermost private monsters by ourself, even if there is plenty of help around us - the final pass, most likely we have to make it by our own - day after day, during nights mostly, when we lie awake and try to understand what the heck is going on with us. And sometimes we don't even understand if you really want to get better, or if we just want to keep hurting. I know when I was hurting, I didn't want to get better - because getting better meant, to me at that time, faking it. I didn't really believe, there would ever come a day when I would be genuinely happy. I used to think whatever happiness I can feel, I can feel only by faking it - smiling artificially and superficially, and perhaps doing things from my logical mind when my emotional side continues to suffer horribly. But I have to say, that it does pass. And eventually when you get through the series of dark tunnels, you start to appreciate things in life for real. You start to enjoy comedies, jokes, pleasant things in life, and you no longer fake it. The laughther and smile becomes real and it feels ok to be able to *feel ok*. That day will come. It definitely will. All you need to do is keep going through these dark tunnels, one by one, and slowly and carefully, taking whatever support and help you can find, and carrying the words with you as your arms.
And I think perhaps the part you meant about the most basic reflexes being painful, maybe you feel the parts of you that want your therapist sexually, triggers a lot of deep down pains and fears of your abuse. Maybe you feel very uncomfortable feeling sexual about someone and it triggers so much of pain and uncomfort that it feels almost impossible to deal with it. But I think as you keep working out on the issue, then one day, you will be able to accept your feelings too.
Hang in there, and do ask for help.
poster:orchid
thread:628551
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/628723.html