Posted by Racer on December 10, 2005, at 2:02:29
In reply to Re: Rough again, again with the Survivor stuff, posted by AuntieMel on December 9, 2005, at 10:46:31
I think you're on to something Auntie Mel. I know that I don't feel all that strong, I do feel as though if I had been strong enough, these things wouldn't have happened to me, and that I shouldn't have let myself be hurt.
Fairywings has something, too: I want to be protected. I am sick to death of having to be the only one that I can count on, because half the time I can't count on me.
Here's something that's come up for me AGAIN: I'm still not at all over that [misspelt fish name again] that happened last year at that agency, and I want to tell them what they did to me. And I want someone else to step in, and to say -- professional to professional -- "Guys, you done a bad thing to this broad -- here are the details, what the [very warm climate] were you thinking?" I find myself thinking of what I would have to get across to them, like about the time I was sent away when I arrived for an appointment:
"Gee, Dr EyeCandy, remember that time? When I called to make that appointment, I asked the guy at the appointment desk to check with you that it was OK to come in sooner since you stopped the last medication. Either he didn't check with you, in which case you punished me for something he failed to do -- or he did check with you, and you set me up. I told him to check with you, because I was already scared to death. How do you think I felt when I was turned away, when the receptionist said that you told her to tell me WHEN I SHOWED UP, RATHER THAN CALLING ME TO CANCEL? Not only did you devastate me by having me turned away, you made sure it was done publicly. Did you get a lot out of that? Did it make you feel better?"
I still have nightmares about that place, and that doctor. The most recent shows, though, that it's getting better: I don't remember all of it, but I do remember telling him, "There's no need to get into a p**s*ng contest -- I'll concede right now that your penis is bigger than mine is."
I think some of my discomfort is for feeling so weak, so ashamed that I had to survive anything at all. And some is that I *must* be to blame, since that's what everyone told me anyway. (Even those people at that agency. My T does tell me, "Oh, that sounds like what those people did to you -- no wonder you reacted, they repeated yet another trauma." That part, at least, helps. It helps me understand why I reacted so strongly to that whole mess.)
I'm tired. I'm feverish. I'm feeling poorly. GG told me I sounded puny -- I love that term, somehow. I'm gonna go pull the quilt over me on the sofa, and start another episode of "American Gothic." You can even say that I'm going to go sleep with Gary Cole... YUMMY!
poster:Racer
thread:586986
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587694.html