Posted by Tamar on December 8, 2005, at 18:00:14
In reply to Rough again, again with the Survivor stuff, posted by Racer on December 8, 2005, at 13:34:33
> I'm having a really hard time with this, and nothing seems to be getting me past it. Yesterday something very raw -- though very old -- came up, and it brought up again the comments from my T about how amazing it was that I survived. She's said it before, and it's bothered me before.
Maybe because it takes all your effort just to survive, when what you really want to do is thrive?
> Anyway, I don't know how to ask what I want help with. It has to do with that whole victim thing, about how pathetic I feel when someoen says that it's so amazing that I survived these things. (Maybe because in part I *didn't* survive? Or just that I must be doing something to cause these things to happen to me, which makes me awfully pathetic. I don't know.)
You don’t cause things to happen to you. If people behave badly towards you, they are fully responsible for their bad behaviour.
> This was from high school, when I was being tormented by other students. It was terrible, as those things are. In my favorite teacher's classroom, things got out of hand, and he took me into the hallway -- where he told me that he just couldn't control the class with me in it, and I'd have to leave. Just writing those bare facts is bringing tears to my eyes, and I have both a sadness and an impotent rage -- very much surpressed -- going on behind the pain.
Frankly I’m stunned. What a terrible thing to happen. What an abandonment. I’m so very sorry.
> Now, I'm an adult now, and I know that the people around me failed me; they were supposed to protect me, in some way, and they didn't. They didn't really even make an effort to protect me. I know that that part wasn't my fault. But there's a very big part that's got all that judgemental stuff going on about how it's wrong for me to expect other people to step in and protect me, that it's my responsibility and all the rest of that [expletive deleted -- think misspelt fish species]. I also know that being picked on really isn't the same as being pathetic or worthless. And I even know some of the problems -- like, I have this huge need for approval, but too much independence to fit in (bad combination in high school) -- but I still feel as though I should have somehow been able to fight all my own battles, without help, etc.
Me too! Me too! I totally relate to the need for approval on the one hand and the independence and (in my case) refusal to fit in on the other hand.
> But every time I hear my T say something about me surviving, and how amazingly strong I must have been, I just collapse -- and feel weak, and pathetic, and all sorts of other things. None of them good.Maybe you’d like to be rescued? Maybe you feel tired of being responsible for your survival and you want someone to step in? Or maybe you don’t believe you were strong and you think you should have done better than ‘mere’ survival; you should have surmounted your difficulties within a few short weeks and been prom queen or something, like in the movies? Nothing wrong with any of those wishes… but of course it takes a lot longer in real life than it takes in the movies.
> Can anyone relate? Or help me work out what the problem is? Or where my answer might be found?
I can relate. I’m not sure if I have answers… If I ever do, I’ll share!
> Or just tell me that only the best women feel this pathetic? lolNow that’s certainly true. Women with a strong sense of morality and justice often feel particularly pathetic, even though they’re often the kindest people. There should be more women like you in the world. But ideally you’d feel competent and capable when you consider what it took for you to survive in a disempowering environment with no one to fight on your side…
(((((Racer)))))
poster:Tamar
thread:586986
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587023.html