Posted by jammerlich on November 15, 2005, at 17:50:12
In reply to Re: Mothers - should they have known?? ***Trigger*** » jammerlich, posted by Frida on November 15, 2005, at 7:47:17
What kind of signals did you all send out? I'm not sure I understand. I don't think I sent any, at least not on purpose. I think I always wanted her to find out and was also terrified that she would. But in that instant in the hallway there was complete relief. Maybe that means the innermost part of me did want her to find out. She'd found my blood stained underpants. I hid them because I was embarrassed. After that, I rinsed them in the sink and hung them in the back of my closet to dry before putting them in the hamper.
I simply can't fathom how a mother could turn a blind eye to that. I was 7, it wasn't my period. She must have absolutely hated me for it. If she was going to pretend nothing was happening, she could have at least not mentioned finding them. Maybe she wanted to be sure she wasn't presented with any more evidence. But I'm not a parent myself, so maybe it's not for me to understand.
I'm also unable to comprehend how fear of being alone (leaving a man) is worth allowing a child to suffer that. She was selfish and cowardly if you ask me. But, that's probably a result of how I grew up. I learned very early that there is no such thing as being rescued. 'Rescue' and 'safe' should be abolished from our language. Those things don't exist. I'm fiercely independent. I am married, but honestly, I think I'd rather just be alone. That's from my childhood too. Did any of you ever imagine getting away - escaping? I did, but I never fantasized about being able to live with someone else. It was always about being on my own. Is that strange. When I was little, I loved reading books about children who ran away from home and found a place of their own. Like "Mandy", "The Railway Children" and "My Side of the Mountain". I always thought it was such a shame when there parents found them or some other adult took them in - even though these were "good" people.
I could never, ever confront either of them. This is where my downfall is. I am an only child and feel absolutely obligated to them. It's already difficult for me (emotionally, that is) and they're still young - in their 50s. I dread what it'll be like as they get older. So much so I hope I go before they do. Last spring my mother was ill. I was at the doctor with her, it looked like things were serious and she started to cry. I was so torn, knowing that any other person I would be quick to offer comfort. But I didn't want to go anywhere near her. But I did. While hugging her, I noticed a mirror on the wall and all I could think about was how I'd love to stand her in front of that mirror, with my hands on either side of her head - forcing her to look, and tell her, "See how ugly you are to look at when you cry," just like she did to me. I feel like such a mean, horrible person.
poster:jammerlich
thread:578834
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/579052.html