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Re: My feelings » happyflower

Posted by Tamar on November 7, 2005, at 11:13:53

In reply to Re: My feelings, posted by happyflower on November 6, 2005, at 17:56:10

Another perspective…

I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate for your therapist to ask if you’ve thought of having affairs with other men. Perhaps he’s challenging you to think about your commitment to your marriage and whether you would seriously consider getting sex elsewhere since you’re not getting it at home. I think many people would think about it a little… but some people might be more prepared to have an affair than others. I think it might be a good thing that he asked, because if you *are* ever tempted to have an affair it’s best if you can understand your feelings and thoughts about it rather than just drifting into it and then regretting it deeply.

As for the question of whether there could be anything positive about a relationship with your T… Let’s imagine that you both decide you want a relationship and you both get divorced and you’re prepared to wait two years before having sex (I can’t quite imagine waiting two years to have sex… but of course I’m a pervert). I know you two have a lot in common and it seems obvious that you’re attracted to each other. So if you want my honest opinion, I think it could probably feel extremely positive at first. I imagine it could be very exciting and in some ways very healing and comforting. I can imagine that if everything went well, you’d feel accepted and adored and happy and fortunate and lots of other great things.

But I can’t help thinking of the possible negative consequences alongside the positives. And I think I’d agree with many of the things other people have posted – it can be dangerous to embark on a relationship with a therapist and many of the people who have tried it have been very hurt. Perhaps the two year rule helps, but it’s not really a guarantee of happiness. And perhaps some people have found that after a two year wait the guy wasn’t as hot in bed as they’d fantasised, or he wasn’t the wonderful man they’d known in therapy after all. I’m sure you realise your T has faults, but do you know what they all are and whether you could live with them? My main worry at the moment is that by crossing boundaries and chatting with you in his lunch hour he seems to be encouraging you to hope for something (like a friendship or relationship) that he hasn’t promised.

I’m not going to talk a lot about the negative stuff because you know all that. And I can understand why you want to think about the possible positives. Actually, I think it’s a good thing to focus on the positives: I think it could give you an idea of what you want from a relationship in general (whether with him or your husband or someone else). I also think it’s good to focus on the positive aspects of the relationship you already have with him. It seems from what you say that he’s helped you a lot and he’s an important person in your life; he makes you feel good about yourself and he genuinely likes you.

But if you feel that you want him as a partner, I’d reckon it’s important to keep talking about it… at least here at Babble if you can’t talk to him about it at the moment. I worry when you say that perhaps you shouldn’t post about it any more, because it sounds to me as if it’s so painful to you that you want to hide from it. Maybe I’m wrong about that…

What do I know? Maybe you could have a real life relationship with him. Maybe you’d be one of the few success stories. You would definitely have to make the first move, though…

(((((Happyflower)))))

Tamar


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poster:Tamar thread:575457
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/576360.html