Posted by alexandra_k on July 31, 2005, at 20:35:32
...after two weeks. that does make it hard. i was supposed to try and keep a note of stuff that i thought of during the week. to be able to take them along so that we would have something to talk about. but i forgot. and where my head was at... i couldn't think of a lot to say.
i think i talk about babble too much. i think she might be starting to get pretty interested. now i worry a bit that she might start reading here. i don't feel happy about that. not happy at all :-( not sure why...
maybe because im not sure im not sure. im not sure whether i can do this whether i can do this with her.
i cant seem to stay in one place at one time. i cant even be there with her when i am with her im partly here or partly at work or partly in the past or partly anywhere else but there.
we talked a bit... about my parents. about what my childhood was like. not so nice. not such nice feelings. about how i thought i stuffed / dissociated my thoughts feelings etc because they were unacceptable. had to or my mother would find out about them and id be punished. bout how i used to ruminate a lot on how i didn't ask to exist i didn't ask to be born and about how i feel that way a lot.
i always grew up knowing that i was never wanted as a person. my mother had me because my father used to complain about how he didn't have anyone to carry on the family name. he wanted a son so my mother had me. they started fighting when my mother was pregnant. they agreed (or my mother made my father promise) to stay with us until i was 16. but he left when i was 7. and she used to be quite open about telling me that i wasn't worthy of human company and i wasn't even good enough to have kept my father around :-(
hmm.
i really want to ask her for a hug...
but im a bit scaired to.
dont know whether it is good for me or not.
i wish i could just hold onto her and cry.
but im not sure thats a good idea :-(
she offered me a hug when i was in hospital.
ive asked her for one since then and she was ok with that.
but im worried about asking...
i dunno...
poster:alexandra_k
thread:536169
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/536169.html