Posted by pinkeye on April 27, 2005, at 13:40:10
In reply to Re: Confusing my ex T with my dad? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on April 27, 2005, at 13:19:51
I didn't see it as a problem so far as well. I thought I was the most loved daughter in the whole world and didn't really think anything bad of it.
But now I am realizing that he didn't love me just as a daughter. He treated me more like his wife. My mother was pretty much a dummy figure in our family. It was all about me and my father.
Wherever he went - movies, restaurants, friends places - he would take me with him and not my mom. He would talk 1000 times more with me than he would talk with my mom. And I was always with him in the house, and my mother will be at the back with the servants. And I hate to admit it, several days, I used to sleep in the same bed with my dad, when my mother would sleep separately. Thankfully, there was no sexual abuse, and my father really didn't mean things in the way. He thought he was raising up a daughter in the best possible way.
But guess what it did to me? Till I was 9 or 10 I was really ok with that approach and didn't think anything of it. But once I attained puberty, and started developing interest in sex and other things, I easily confused my father for my man.. I was behaving like a wife to him and thinking I should satisfy him and noone else.. For nearly 7 - 8 years, I was constantly looking after him, will serve him food, will go out everywhere with him - to movies, restaurants everywhere. All our relatives even used to comment to my dad to not spoil me so much - but my father didn't understand it. And I didn't understand what they meant either at that time.
Love is not a bad thing, and affection and caring is good, but when it is not very appropriate it confuses the child.
And that is what happened to me.. For several years, I couldn't really imagine myself as a growm woman, and couldn't think of myself as a full grown woman capable of being with another man. I ended up never being able to form a good relationship with anybody other than my fahter.. And even now, I feel I am betraying my father when I am physically intimate wiht my husband. And I am not able to be emotionally intimate with my husband - like a grown woman should be able to. And I have always been attracted to men who are in the authority figure role - like my ex Doctor, who isn't really available to me, just repeating the same pattern that I had with my father.
Sorry it turned out to be so long. Didn't intend it to be. But I really needed to get this off of my chest to be able to heal and move on.
God help me if ever my father gets to read what I have written. I will not be able to live with myself. But this is the truth. And my theraist says that all the anger that I feel, I have turned into my body and my joints. That is why I even have rheumatoid arthrits. And she is right, I have felt lot of anger towards myself and my body.
poster:pinkeye
thread:490382
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050420/msgs/490397.html