Posted by Dinah on March 21, 2005, at 10:17:15
In reply to countertransference in therapist LONG, posted by LG04 on March 21, 2005, at 8:04:30
I think post-termination issues aren't thought out well by therapists. And that sometimes they promise more than they can deliver with the very best intentions and out of caring for us.
She found that she had overextended herself and she tried to redraw boundaries that she was comfortable with, that she could maintain a relationship with you with while not losing her effectiveness as a therapist for you. Because if they feel overextended, they can't be good therapists.
Then when she saw how upset you were, her desire to be everything you need overtook her resolution to set boundaries that she felt comfortable with and she backed off.
That's my take on it at least.
I empathize with you. Boundary setting hurts like h*ll, and the boundary setter (defensively perhaps) never seems to realize that. Especially if it's a narrower boundary than was previously allowed. It's easier to set good boundaries right from the first than it is to establish them later.
But...
She was trying to tell you something, and I think for maximum relationship building you should try to listen. Perhaps if you are able to hear that she is having trouble with the current arrangement, and offer alternate suggestions or open a discussion of how to make things easier for her, it will keep her from feeling she needs to set boundaries again.
This may have to do with offering to pay her for her time between sessions. Or it may be recognizing that your calls are affecting her family life and asking if there are times that would be better than others. It may be finding other ways to soothe yourself between twice a week scheduled calls as much as possible.
This is a very valuable relationship for you, and for her as well from how it sounds. I think putting some time into helping her with the problems she's having will pay off over the long term.
It's not all countertransference. Some of it is just that she needs to set boundaries where they feel comfortable for her. Just as we all do in all relationships. And ouch. I've been on the receiving end of boundary setting a few times. It's enough to make you never ever ever want to ask for anything from anyone ever again. Which is not the healthiest reaction on my part.
Talk to her again, and try to find out what's going on with her. It's hard, I know, since she's your therapist. But some of those therapy rules need to change when the relationship changes as drastically as yours did when you moved. Help her some, and keep the relationship viable for her.
(Are you paying her for her time?)
poster:Dinah
thread:473495
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/473545.html