Posted by fallsfall on March 8, 2005, at 11:59:42
Alexandra_K writes: 'you have to change to be acceptable'
But that is bollocks
(cognitive error #1 of CBT)This is what I am wrestling with right now.
I am scheduled to see a Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor on Thursday. I've talked to him on the phone and he seems really nice, knowledgable and helpful. I am scared to death. I'm not scared of the meeting. I'm scared about what the meeting means. This meeting carries with it the assumption that I will go back to work at some point. Not Thursday, not next month, maybe in a couple of years even. This terrifies me because I *know* that I'm not ready to go back to work. I am 100% sure that I don't have the skills necessary to prevent another crash (like the 2 I have had).
So, you ask, why am I going to talk to a Voc Rehab counselor if I'm not ready to go back to work? There are two reasons: First, I believe that it will take me some time to get ready to go back to work. So I will need to start getting ready to go back to work before I am *able* to go back to work. So there is a different question that needs to be answered now - am I ready to start getting ready to go to work? If I start things in motion, will they take on a momentum of their own? Will I be able to control the progress? What happens if I am ready by training before I am psychologically ready? What if I am able to do the training, but end up never able to return to work? Voc Rehab will be spending (the government's) resources on me. Can I ask them to do that if I'm not sure that I will ever be able to work?
The second issue is the one that Alexandra brings up. I know that I am not ready to go back to work. Yet I feel that I *must* go back to work. My therapist keeps asking who is it who is requiring me to go back. It isn't Social Security - they have not said anything that would even remotely suggest that they are considering dropping my SSDI. It isn't him - he has told me many times that *he* doesn't care if I am working or not. He only cares that I am living the life I want to live. It isn't my parents/siblings. They haven't asked when I'm going back to work in a very long time. They seem to accept the status quo. It isn't my kids. They don't say derogatory things about my being on disability. They would rather I wasn't depressed, but I don't think that it matters to them if I am working or not. It isn't my friends. They don't tell me to get off my rear and go to work.
So, obviously it is me who has this requirement. Somehow, knowing that doesn't make it any easier... I guess that I feel like all of the people I talked about above are being patient. That they think that being on SSDI is OK for me *for now*. But that the expectation of everyone is that at some point I will "get better" and go back to work. That who I am right now is not acceptable. That they will only tolerate me if they can have the expectation that eventually I will change. Do they really feel this way? Or am I projecting my feelings on to them? They say all the "right things". Why don't I believe them? Why do I believe that my therapist is disappointed in my lack of progress? Why do I feel like I am failing because I haven't succeeded in being ready to work? Who sets the timetable? Going back to work is *my* goal. But what if I *can't* reach that goal?
I don't understand how we can both be accepted as we are right now, and still have goals to change. If we have goals to change, doesn't that mean that we aren't acceptable the way we are? I guess that some might say that it is analogous to watching a kid grow up. A two year old is acceptable even though he isn't able to do the things that a grown up is able to do. He is at an acceptable place for where he is in the process of growing up. So I can try to say that I have learning/healing/growing to do - but I'm 48 years old. I'm supposed to know how to earn a living. How long is this process supposed to take? I've been working on it for 10 years now. If the kid is 6 and still acts like they are 2, isn't that no longer acceptable?
I know that my therapist would be happy if I were able to go back to work - because he knows that is what I want. But doesn't that mean that he will be unhappy if I can't go back to work? Doesn't it mean that he equates success with my going back to work? He tells me that those conclusions are not valid. But I can't believe him.
poster:fallsfall
thread:468228
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050305/msgs/468228.html