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Re: You have to change to be acceptable » partlycloudy

Posted by fallsfall on March 8, 2005, at 19:53:59

In reply to Re: You have to change to be acceptable » fallsfall, posted by partlycloudy on March 8, 2005, at 13:49:53

Thanks for your thoughts, PartlyCloudy.

I do currently work 10 hours a week at the local library. I started out volunteering there. In the course of my (very) part time job, I run into issues which I know have contributed to my crashes in the past. For example, if someone is not doing as good a job as I think they should, and they are not willing to improve, then I tend to take over and do my job and their job, too. I know this is a problem, but I haven't worked out the solution yet. The fact that I'm part time helps to make the issue clearer, and I am working on it. So from my part time work, I can see that there are issues I still need to learn to deal with.

The job fear is related to "failing". I put whatever effort is needed into a job to be sure that I don't fail (I am a recovering workaholic). Twice, though, I have worked for companies that have been going through layoffs. In those companies, valuable employees who were doing a good job were being laid off. I think that that stress contributed greatly to my crashes. I don't know if I could "fail" while volunteering - usually a volunteer who is not doing what is necessary is reassigned. And if you don't have to pay them, then you don't need to lay them off.

But I would feel guilty if I thought I was "capable" of working, yet I was volunteering. Some of the issue is what the definition of "capable" is. Perhaps if the work leads to a crash that indicates that I'm not "capable". The guilt involves being "capable" yet still accepting money from Social Security.

My current plan includes a change from Software to Libraries in an attempt to reduce the intrinsic stress of the job. I'm just not convinced that it will be enough of a difference.

It is helpful for me to be doing work where when I'm feeling better I can do more than is expected, and when I'm feeling lousy I can still meet expectations.

 

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