Posted by Shortelise on March 1, 2005, at 13:23:19
This feels a little self-indulgent, but I need some comfort.
I feel like my T is not understanding me, that I'm not able to express, though I really want to, what I am feeling, how confused I am, and how this confusion manifests. He seems to be whizzing by me in another direction, but I wonder if he is being insightful and I am too - whatever - to recognize it. We've been in therapy together for six and a half years, and I think I should have some faith in his insights.
I feel so confused.
Also, I am frustrated because I don't feel like I have any real insight into myself, like I am bumbling around, lucky if I am able to recognize and apply anything I have learned in therapy.
It's easy to apply the things I've learned in therapy here, to read what others write and be insightful - but inside my own mind, things are not so clear.
I feel so awful. Like something old and useless. And I can't seem to let go of my anger at my mother. She continues to do her same old boosheet, and it hurts me and I am angry, though I do feel some compassion. My knee jerk reaction is always always to think about suicide, though it is a thought, not an intention, no plans, and my T knows. But I hate it, I hate that I think about it, I hate that it is in my lexicon. And that too is because my mother always talked about it as an option.
Argh.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:464935
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050225/msgs/464935.html