Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2005, at 12:37:35
My therapist is wrong. It's no different during the bereavement period. Nobody cares how you feel as long as you're good and don't cause trouble. So I'll be as good as I can be on the outside. I'll eat all the bad feelings and soldier on.
But I'm not a good girl, and I'm going to be as bad as I possibly can be without anyone knowing. And it's going to feel good for me to know what they don't know. It's going to feel good to know that I know what they're doing to me, even if they don't. Every single time they hurt me, I'm going to hurt myself. Not so it will show. Because the point is not for them to know.
I know some might say I'm only hurting myself, and that they won't be affected at all. And that's true in a way, but in another way it's not. Because I'll know.
All I had yesterday to eat was a snack sized cottage cheese, 90 calories. I stayed up all night doing their work. Today I'm not going to eat much more and I'm going to do their work all night again. I scratched "I AM MY WORK" on my belly. I guess that means putting off my mammogram. :)
I *hate* being good for them. I hate being good for people who don't care. I want to bite and kick, but I guess I am too good for that.
I am not a good girl. I have worked my entire life not to be a good girl when it's important to be bad.
poster:Dinah
thread:439740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050105/msgs/439740.html