Posted by daisym on November 23, 2004, at 23:48:14
I told my therapist today that little daisy was having a tantrum. She wants to be his only client, to feel close and connected all the time. She doesn't want to wait hours to reach him on the phone nor days between sessions. She doesn't care if this is practical, realistic or even healthy. She just wants what she wants...and she wants it NOW!
*sigh* The adult knows how unrealistic and inappropriate all these wants are. I told him that he didn't have to worry about me turning into a stalker, but the feelings were very powerful, and the need to be connected was really huge. I said there was sort of a desperate quality about all of this...it feels like something is about the end when I'm not ready or someone is leaving no matter what I do to stop them. I feel sad and inconsolable...like someone died.
He said he thought the "wants" were about wanting to feel special, that I needed to know I mattered to someone. And there was nothing inappropriate about that. He said it was entirely OK to need him as much as I did, and he would try to hold and respect these needs as much as possible. He was very gentle about reminding me that he couldn't meet all my needs and that many of these feelings were old dependency needs that were never met. So they feel HUGE and overwhelming for me. But he wanted me to tell him everything I was feeling and it was really OK for us to talk about it.
But at this point I was feeling so ashamed of myself and confused by all these feelings that I withdrew inside and floated away. He tried to stop the shut down and told me again he was OK with all of this, but I was too far gone to come back. I left upset and came home and slept for a couple of hours. Now I feel sad and numb.
I just don't know how to get connected to him and STAY that way. I want to...it feels good when I allow it. But it never lasts, the worries come in and I freak out. But being disconnected now feels even worse -- like treading water in the deep end when you are really tired. I feel lost, really discouraged and a little scared of how depressed I feel.
I need advice and support and chocolate. Maybe not in that order.