Posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 17:41:49
In reply to Re: I think I'm losing it a little » littleone, posted by daisym on November 25, 2004, at 1:43:38
I was going to post this last night but fell asleep in the middle of posting. I think I was more overwhelmed than I recognized.
Yesterday's session was just a continuation of the session before, trying to understand why I felt disconnected and was trying to pull away yet saying I *wanted* to be connected. There were just these painful walls in the way. It wasn't horrible but I felt very frustrated about not understanding what was going on with me. At the end, he asked about checking in on Friday and I shook my head and said, "I don't think so." I guess I thought I should try to make it through the Holiday weekend without bothering him. And honestly, I didn't want another tough conversation with me not knowing what to say and him asking what is happening and trying to get me to not float away.
He said "fine, I'll see you Monday then." And smiled at me. I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and was sobbing before I reached the car. I made it all the way to the freeway (5 minutes) before I called and said, "I'm crushed, totally crushed. I know I said I didn't want a check in call on Friday but you weren't supposed to be relieved about that, or look happy that you didn't have to call me. You told me to tell you if/when I get upset with you -- well, I'M UPSET!!" I'm sure I said some other dumb things too.
He called back but I missed the call, so his message was "I didn't mean to upset you, I was not relieved or happy to not have to call you, I swear. I was trying to support you in making it through the weekend. I hesitated because I expected to make contact on Friday, and thought it would be a good idea, but wanted to respect your feelings about that. I guess I should have said, "Are you sure?" And then he said he didn't want this to sit for 4 days, would I please call him back, either tonight or tomorrow morning.
So I called back and he said, "Wow, you were upset. I'm sorry that you were but I'm really glad you called and told me. But you totally misread me." So we talked about my theory of spending too much time together (which he didn't agree with) and how there are ups and downs in a therapy relationship which are really normal. I sort of blurted out that all I wanted in Wednesday's session was for him to make me feel safe --- That I needed warm and fuzzy reassurance. He said he was sorry he didn't do that for me, but that honestly, he felt like I wouldn't let him. That everytime he tried to get to my feelings, I batted him away. I said I sort of knew that I was sabotaging myself, but I felt that we had work to do and I couldn't keep asking (demanding?) warm and fuzzy from him. He said he completely agreed with that. (I don't think I wanted him to.) But that sometimes it was OK to *not* work and just get support.
*sigh* It has been a tough week for us and we don't usually have these kinds of battles. I don't know what to think about it really. I thought about Dinah's post about battling to the relationship and Antigua saying she felt like she didn't need (like?) her therapist anymore. Is it possible that the relationship has shifted and now I don't know how to read him? Or is this some kind of negative transference that I need to work through? Whatever it is, it makes me want to run from therapy all together, or at least cut back a lot. And then there is this other floating thought that says maybe I don't need him as much as I use to and I am rejecting that feeling, because it is really scary to think about that. What if I don't need him, but don't want to give him up either?
I guess I should print out those questions and ask him tomorrow. (Yes, we did decide that a check in phone call would be good, if for no other reason than to keep my fears to a minimum and short circuit this imagination of mine.)
I also wanted to say that this year one of the things I'm so thankful for is Babble -- all of you and your support. I know I write really long, "he said, I said" posts but you guys are great about responding and providing guidance and support -- especially about comfort foods. I really do love you all.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Daisy
poster:daisym
thread:419566
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/420252.html