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Re: Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be

Posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 7:32:33

In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31

Where I've been:
Before I started therapy, I spent years going through bouts of what I know now is atypical depression. My symptoms included:
- excessive sleeping which led to being late all the time or even missing work
- hypersensitivity to rejection, which led to a type of paralysis when it comes to some tasks, especially writing.
- leaden paralysis. I could not get out of bed or off the couch even when I knew I had to get up. Again, this led to missing work or being late. Sometimes poor hygiene if I did have to go anywhere.
- I did not have the typical low or sad mood. Instead, my moods were reactive depending on who I was around, what I was doing, or what was going on around me. This made me look not depressed and made me think I was not depressed.
- Playing "ostrich". I would withdraw from work, social, family, etc. I just didn't want to face anyone. This included bills. I wouldn't open my mail when I was in debt. Not a good strategy in the long run.
- Sometimes I would lose weight from not eating well; other times I would binge and gain weight.
-I had frequent migraines and tension headaches.
What finally got me going was first, some cognitive and attentional problems from stress related to not getting alone with my supervisor on my practicum and also school pressure. I started taking Celexa and eventually went to see a therapist.

Where I am: I am now on an MAOI, which is a much better AD for atypical depression. This has helped a lot, but more than that, a year of therapy has done tremendous good. It's been hard. Therapy is intense, hard, exhausting work. I've learned that my fear of criticism has deep roots and that my behaviors related to it are something I come by honestly. I have learned that my parents are both narcissistic in their own way, and in working through transferences and seeing external transferences, I have learned how this affected me and have begun to not only experience but now grieve the pain. This seems significant to me. Grieving feels like a step towards moving forward versus just feeling the pain and worrying that it will never get any better. I have learned that I have a signficant conflict over my tendency to take a dependent role with important figures while at the same time not trusting those I am dependent on to be reliable and capable of protecting me from hurt. I am starting to "try on" the role of being independent and whole. It feels good, but it's not a linear progression. I have my "dependent" days, still. My T has noted that I seem to be moving into termination, and that idea doesn't completely freak me out. Scary yes, and I know it will be painful on its own. But I have hope for progress and for the future, which I never ever did before therapy.

Where I'd like to be: I'd like to successfully process termination in order to feel good about my T and the work I have done. I would like to feel whole, at east with myself warts and all, and to feel in the moment more versus striving or worrying. Mainly, I just want to enjoy being. Practically speaking, I want to be able to start a new situation such as a post doc fellowship or job without sabotauging (sp?) myself out of anxiety. I would like to be able to finish my dissertation in a timely manner with less of the paralysis that is currently blocking me. I'd also like to be able to taper off the Nardil to a maintenance dose or even get off of it, as I'd like to get pregnant.

Wow, I feel like I've come a long way. Just a month or so ago, I don't know that I could have seen this progress.

Thanks for this idea, Dinah.

Hopeful GG

 

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poster:gardenergirl thread:381889
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