Posted by bell_75 on August 25, 2004, at 6:59:42
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
*hugs Dinah*
Thanks for sharing you and your life with us :)
Although I have been a lil' absent from babble of reccent i have been watching and i hope to be back in Open soon.
So here goes my attempt...Where I've been...
I was 18 when my parents discovered (through snooping in opened mail) that I was deeply depressed and suicidal. This accidental outting actually turned out to be a good thing because I had wanted to seek help but didnt know how or where to get it.
So..a friend took me to get an evaluation, I saw my GP who refferred me to my therapist.
I started with a female T that I'll refer to as J then she left the clinic 7 weeks later; in which a male T named B replaced her.
I was diagnosed with ever-evolving variations of depression (clinical, severe, major depressive disorder then most reccently dysthymic disorder). Then later in therapy we uncovered my Social Phobia and that my life was plaqued by social anxiety. And anyone who ever has or had social anxiety will know how much it is a crippling plaque. I was also highly suicidal and self-mutilated.
I found a really good connect with my second and current T and we worked on both depression and social anxiety with CBT and various other techniques. We also worked on some troubling issues from my childhood.
Although I was cynical at first, I'm glad my GP prescribed me anti-depressants because they've helped me so much with getting some balance in my life and control over depressive moods.Where I am...
1 year 5 months later I'm getting close to the finish line of therapy and I'm as nervous as all hell. September 17th will be my last session unless we run out of time to talk about everything we need to before i leave then there's 'possible negotiation' for a second session, which is a very comforting thing to know. I feel safe that my T isnt going to just throw me into the world unarmed.
We've had really good success with CBT for depression and relaxation and exposure techniques for Social Anxiety but of course, like most of us, there's still mountains for me to conquer. I still have my bad moments. I've gained fairly good control of my self-injurous (sp?) behaviour and I feel proud of myself for that because it is really hard to control when you've seen (and felt) the worst of it.
One thing I can say is that I'm proud of my achievements over the last year and its a great feeling to triumph over tragedy and the lowest of lows. The me today and the me 2 years ago are very different people. Today, I still have the odd suicidal thought, I still have depressive episodes and I still freeze with social anxiety but I've got the tools to gain some sort of control eventually.
anywho...Where I would like to be...
I would really like to be socially outgoing. I would love to look forward to going out with friends or to some sort of social event thats normal to someone of my age (20). That would be great for me because right now..I cringe at the mere thought of social events. I have tightness in the chest and feel tears welling in my eyes whenever social events come around or I'm in a situation that is a typical trigger for me. I just despise being around groups of people.
Also, I'd like to have better control of how i react to triggers of memories from my childhood. At university, i have encountered triggers and they have greatly upset me. I've worked on this with my T but it still bothers me.
Although, I'm really happy with my progress so fair and the fact that both T and I believe I've come to a place where I'm capable of finishing therapy. I feel like I'm taking flight from the nest and although its scary when you look down the view of whats ahead in the horizon looks amazing. Dont be fooled though...I'm still scared :P
I hope i havent been too long winded. These are a good idea and a good way of catching up with fellow babblers.
I hope more people can follow suit..it feels good to get it all out suprisingly.
Take care everyone,
Bell
poster:bell_75
thread:381889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/382026.html