Posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
A periodic assessment by Dinah 8/24/04 (to be bookmarked for future reference)
Where I was:
When I started therapy, I was very high functioning in a work setting, but I was getting more and more panic attacks relating to thinking I'd done something that would bring shame and dishonor to my name (OCD). My relationship with my new husband was good, but I'm guessing the stress of moving out of my parents house and becoming a grown up in the real world triggered the OCD. I was too enmeshed with my parents. I was having trouble making some decisions that were in my best interest, because I had always done xxx, and it was hard for me to change. Postpartum hormones caused a possibly permanent change to my brain, and I started having meltdowns like I did as an adolescent. That was after I started therapy but was an external variable unrelated to therapy.Where I am:
The OCD is under control. Not conquered but I know how to use meds and relaxation and I understand the why of what's going on so I don't add extra anxiety to the existing OCD. I'm getting along about as well with my husband. I've broken the umbilical that bound me to my parents, although I still have obligations as a child living nearby. I'm a good enough mom. My meltdowns are less frequent and shorter lasting than they were. I've also worked on my *therapist's* goal of connecting more with others, and have come a long way. I'm much more aware of my emotions. And most important, I understand *why* I do the things I do.Where I'd like to be and how therapy will help me get there:
#1. I am still not as resilient to stressors as I'd like to be. I'm not sure that's going to change significantly. It's been true since I was an infant and I think I'm wired that way. But I want to continue to use therapy and meds to deal with the stressors to the best of *my* ability.
#2. I'd like to learn how to accept the vicissitudes of relationships with less pain, rather than having the black/white view that my only alternative is to retreat from people or be hurt. My therapist is working on me in this area. I have expectations of other people that aren't realistic in terms of how human relationships actually are.
#3. My therapist thinks I'm struggling with the existential questions that plague us all. My take on it is that I'm depressed, and I'd refer back to goal #1. But in case I am having an existential crisis, I'd like to come to know my purpose in being here. (I still think I'm right and he's wrong though. I worked out any existential questions that have occurred to my limited brain a while back.)
#4. These aren't in order, because this is the most important. I'd like to increase my productivity so that I'm working 25-30 hours a week regularly when I'm not under deadline pressure. That would still be far less than the 50 hours a week I worked prior to postpartum hormones, but way more than the 20-25 hours I average when I'm not under deadline pressure. And it would help with the deadline pressure. The Provigil has helped a lot, but I need to make other concrete changes to prioritize so that work is right under my son in importance. I'm not sure where my therapist fits in with this one. He already encourages me to be productive, and I think this change needs to come from me.
poster:Dinah
thread:381889
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040821/msgs/381889.html