![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
A periodic assessment by Dinah 8/24/04 (to be bookmarked for future reference)
Where I was:
When I started therapy, I was very high functioning in a work setting, but I was getting more and more panic attacks relating to thinking I'd done something that would bring shame and dishonor to my name (OCD). My relationship with my new husband was good, but I'm guessing the stress of moving out of my parents house and becoming a grown up in the real world triggered the OCD. I was too enmeshed with my parents. I was having trouble making some decisions that were in my best interest, because I had always done xxx, and it was hard for me to change. Postpartum hormones caused a possibly permanent change to my brain, and I started having meltdowns like I did as an adolescent. That was after I started therapy but was an external variable unrelated to therapy.Where I am:
The OCD is under control. Not conquered but I know how to use meds and relaxation and I understand the why of what's going on so I don't add extra anxiety to the existing OCD. I'm getting along about as well with my husband. I've broken the umbilical that bound me to my parents, although I still have obligations as a child living nearby. I'm a good enough mom. My meltdowns are less frequent and shorter lasting than they were. I've also worked on my *therapist's* goal of connecting more with others, and have come a long way. I'm much more aware of my emotions. And most important, I understand *why* I do the things I do.Where I'd like to be and how therapy will help me get there:
#1. I am still not as resilient to stressors as I'd like to be. I'm not sure that's going to change significantly. It's been true since I was an infant and I think I'm wired that way. But I want to continue to use therapy and meds to deal with the stressors to the best of *my* ability.
#2. I'd like to learn how to accept the vicissitudes of relationships with less pain, rather than having the black/white view that my only alternative is to retreat from people or be hurt. My therapist is working on me in this area. I have expectations of other people that aren't realistic in terms of how human relationships actually are.
#3. My therapist thinks I'm struggling with the existential questions that plague us all. My take on it is that I'm depressed, and I'd refer back to goal #1. But in case I am having an existential crisis, I'd like to come to know my purpose in being here. (I still think I'm right and he's wrong though. I worked out any existential questions that have occurred to my limited brain a while back.)
#4. These aren't in order, because this is the most important. I'd like to increase my productivity so that I'm working 25-30 hours a week regularly when I'm not under deadline pressure. That would still be far less than the 50 hours a week I worked prior to postpartum hormones, but way more than the 20-25 hours I average when I'm not under deadline pressure. And it would help with the deadline pressure. The Provigil has helped a lot, but I need to make other concrete changes to prioritize so that work is right under my son in importance. I'm not sure where my therapist fits in with this one. He already encourages me to be productive, and I think this change needs to come from me.
Posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:46:23
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:44:10
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Dinah,
I would like to respond with an assessment but I'm feeling incredibly down on myself right now. My assessment would be very slanted in the negative direction. I will think about it and will write one when I'm feeling more balanced.JenStar
PS - It was interesting to read about your progress. It makes me feel that I know you a little better.
Posted by Aphrodite on August 25, 2004, at 6:36:12
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
I know if I didn't have the traumatic life history plus the situational depression and anxiety that occurs in my daily life, I'd still have an underlying and profound existential depression. I once read a description of it that it is the inexplicable feeling of aloneness and sadness that is still there when daily preoccupations have gone by the wayside and that cannot be filled by any tangible events or people. So, I always believe I'm chipping away at 3 layers of depression. I'm entrenched in trying to put out the fires of the situational problems which leaves me little time to dig into the past trauma and certainly no time to reflect on being plagued by existential depression.
I guess my point is that existential depression hides in the shadows and isn't easily isolated and can disguise itself as many other things.
Posted by bell_75 on August 25, 2004, at 6:59:42
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
*hugs Dinah*
Thanks for sharing you and your life with us :)
Although I have been a lil' absent from babble of reccent i have been watching and i hope to be back in Open soon.
So here goes my attempt...Where I've been...
I was 18 when my parents discovered (through snooping in opened mail) that I was deeply depressed and suicidal. This accidental outting actually turned out to be a good thing because I had wanted to seek help but didnt know how or where to get it.
So..a friend took me to get an evaluation, I saw my GP who refferred me to my therapist.
I started with a female T that I'll refer to as J then she left the clinic 7 weeks later; in which a male T named B replaced her.
I was diagnosed with ever-evolving variations of depression (clinical, severe, major depressive disorder then most reccently dysthymic disorder). Then later in therapy we uncovered my Social Phobia and that my life was plaqued by social anxiety. And anyone who ever has or had social anxiety will know how much it is a crippling plaque. I was also highly suicidal and self-mutilated.
I found a really good connect with my second and current T and we worked on both depression and social anxiety with CBT and various other techniques. We also worked on some troubling issues from my childhood.
Although I was cynical at first, I'm glad my GP prescribed me anti-depressants because they've helped me so much with getting some balance in my life and control over depressive moods.Where I am...
1 year 5 months later I'm getting close to the finish line of therapy and I'm as nervous as all hell. September 17th will be my last session unless we run out of time to talk about everything we need to before i leave then there's 'possible negotiation' for a second session, which is a very comforting thing to know. I feel safe that my T isnt going to just throw me into the world unarmed.
We've had really good success with CBT for depression and relaxation and exposure techniques for Social Anxiety but of course, like most of us, there's still mountains for me to conquer. I still have my bad moments. I've gained fairly good control of my self-injurous (sp?) behaviour and I feel proud of myself for that because it is really hard to control when you've seen (and felt) the worst of it.
One thing I can say is that I'm proud of my achievements over the last year and its a great feeling to triumph over tragedy and the lowest of lows. The me today and the me 2 years ago are very different people. Today, I still have the odd suicidal thought, I still have depressive episodes and I still freeze with social anxiety but I've got the tools to gain some sort of control eventually.
anywho...Where I would like to be...
I would really like to be socially outgoing. I would love to look forward to going out with friends or to some sort of social event thats normal to someone of my age (20). That would be great for me because right now..I cringe at the mere thought of social events. I have tightness in the chest and feel tears welling in my eyes whenever social events come around or I'm in a situation that is a typical trigger for me. I just despise being around groups of people.
Also, I'd like to have better control of how i react to triggers of memories from my childhood. At university, i have encountered triggers and they have greatly upset me. I've worked on this with my T but it still bothers me.
Although, I'm really happy with my progress so fair and the fact that both T and I believe I've come to a place where I'm capable of finishing therapy. I feel like I'm taking flight from the nest and although its scary when you look down the view of whats ahead in the horizon looks amazing. Dont be fooled though...I'm still scared :P
I hope i havent been too long winded. These are a good idea and a good way of catching up with fellow babblers.
I hope more people can follow suit..it feels good to get it all out suprisingly.
Take care everyone,
Bell
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 8:39:13
In reply to Re: Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by JenStar on August 25, 2004, at 1:44:10
Well, of course these questions don't really need to be answered in writing at all. But a few people have expressed doubt lately that therapy is helping them, which may be true, or which may be an assessment more of our moods than the truth.
I just thought it would be good to think about a more objective measure, since we really are unlikely (and probably don't want) a peer review therapist coming to our sessions every few months. :)
I'm sorry you're feeling down on yourself. Do you have any writing from when you're feeling better to help give yourself a reality check? Or from when you're doing worse, I suppose. I sometimes look back at what I've written and say "Thank G*d!!! I don't feel like that right now."
I'm glad my summary helped you get to know me better. Though of course, on different days and in different moods, my summary might look completely different. I'm corporate Dinah right now, so productivity is my main concern. :D
Posted by partlycloudy on August 25, 2004, at 8:46:45
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Dinah, so wonderful to read your self assessment. Here I go:
Where I've been - I started experiencing panic attacks while living overseas in the 1990's. My GP prescived a change of job, since the attacks were directly related to job stress. Also during that time, one betrayal after another occurred in my marriage, resulting in losing our home in the US, overstaying the work visa, and finally getting deported. About a year after returning to the states I began to become quite depressed. The feds and state tax people caught up when we filed our first joint tax return. My husband's paycheck was attached. He was fired and took 6 weeks to tell me after it had happened. We were sued by the mortgage company for default and he hid all the unopened letters in his sock drawer. We downsized about 5 times. In 1998 I started seeing a therapist on my own as my husband refused. We worked a great deal on my feelings of abandonment by my mother, my having to care for my alcoholic father after my mother left the marriage and I was still in high school. I came to terms with my mother's inability to be compassionate about her children, yet expending emotional energy by volunteering for hospice. I joined AA after I fell out of a bar onto my face an broke a tooth off, while being on antidepressants and antianxiety medication. I decided to end the marriage after 18 years since he didn't seem capable of every telling me the truth. At that point he decided to go for couples counselling. Too little too late.
Fast forward to 1999. Met my present husband, moved to the other end of the country. Job was secure, relationship solid and honest and supportive. I began crying uncontrollably and getting panic attacks with more frequency and severity. Couldn't sleep, started drinking. Changed AD's about 6 times. Would improve after 6 months, then taper, then crash, each time worse than the last. Got fired from 2 jobs successively. Tried a therapist again but had no rapport and I felt like a lost cause.
Found a p-doc, who dx'd me with bipolarII (mild), GAD, and panic attacks. She started treating me with the caveat that I begin therapy again. Starting see my current T last October.
Where I am - Depression anxiety, and panic attacks are much improved. T helped me learn meditation techniques, recommended many books to read, allowed me to explore the spiritual side of myself that had been ignored until now. Started doing EMDR and made a vast and quick improvement all around.
Where I'd like to be - a vacation last week to England made me realize that I'm only halfway there. Severe panic attacks, hysterical outbursts, inability to concentrate. I now put much of it down to having to change my medication timing due to the time zone adjustment.
I want to go to a grocery store and wander around our town without having to take a pill before I leave the house. I want to be able to be blue once in a while without feeling like I'm a waste of time and a lost cause. I want to be a full partner in my marriage instead of someone who requires care. I want to be able to travel abroad with enjoyment and curiosity.
Thanks for this opportunity to put it all down.
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 8:49:58
In reply to existential depression » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on August 25, 2004, at 6:36:12
Yes, I do suppose that's true. But several years ago, when my son was a baby, I worked on that a lot. Partly in therapy, mostly out. And I found the answer that works for me (and answers are different for everyone) in the writings of the Jewish scholars.
Which doesn't mean that everything was covered, and I think my therapist has something specific in mind. I'm admitting to the possibility that he may be right, and operating on that assumption. And vice versa, I hope. :)
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 9:01:12
In reply to Re: Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by partlycloudy on August 25, 2004, at 8:46:45
Sounds like a good assessment, PC. I'm glad you got a great guy to be your partner in continuing to grow. :) I know you're responding well to your therapist's style of therapy, so it's clear how therapy can help you meet your goals.
(P.S. Your story reminded my of my son when he was little and the truths that kids can teach us. I remember how all the little ones would hold it together through the stress of preschool pretty well and wait till they were safely with mom before having a meltdown. Maybe now that you are safe, with a good man and a stable life, it felt safe enough to release some of that accumulated stress of all those years? Which is bound to be a good thing in the long run because holding it in can't be an emotionally healthy thing. You had an awful lot to hold in and very few safe places to release it for an awfully long time.)
Posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 9:05:10
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by bell_75 on August 25, 2004, at 6:59:42
Hi Bell! Nice to see you! Open's been pretty empty when I've been there lately. :( I think it cycles.
Congratulations on your progress! And good luck with the termination phase. It sounds as if you're ready (in the larger sense) to try those wings.
Posted by vwoolf on August 25, 2004, at 13:57:44
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
I've been trying to respond to your post, but it is more complicated than it looks. Hopefully by tomorrow....
Posted by Susan47 on August 25, 2004, at 20:02:24
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by bell_75 on August 25, 2004, at 6:59:42
Hi Bell,
You're really fortunate in that your parents got you help. I'm a lot older than 20 but if I'd had therapy when I was your age my life might've been better.
Good work!
Posted by gardenergirl on August 25, 2004, at 21:06:52
In reply to Anyone care to join in with their progress rpts? (nm), posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:46:23
I plan to, and this is a really appropriate time in my therapy to do this, but I need some time to process and get brain in order. Enjoying everone's responses, though.
gg
Posted by tryingtobewise on August 25, 2004, at 22:00:33
In reply to Re: Anyone care to join in with their progress rpts?, posted by gardenergirl on August 25, 2004, at 21:06:52
Hi Dinah & All -
I am fairly new here...have only posted a few times. I think you are all a great group of people and I have gained a lot of insight & inspiration from your posts. Thank you for sharing. Here is my "story":
Where I've been: I am 38 years old & have always been an extreme people pleaser and a worrier. Like many people, my family background is "chaotic". 2 years after my son was born I became extremely irritable and anxious. I did not know that irritability can be a sign of depression, anxiety, and hypomania -- I just thought I was a hopeless case. I know now that I spent tons of time & energy worrying about things I cannot control. I spent several years in counseling & gained a lot of valuable life insight, but the underlying irritability and worry never went away. Out of desperation I journied to a psychiatrist. (I also am now employed by Counselor #1 but that is a WHOLE other story.)
Where I am now: I receive meds and therapy from my psychiatrist. I think she is wonderful & am very attached to her. She has worked with me on learning to not worry about things I can't control, and also to value my own time and feelings. I have some bulimic tendencies ("eating disorder not otherwise specified" to be exact) so we work on those urges as well.
Where I would like to be: I would like to have the bulimic tendencies under control. I would like to not torment myself when I have to make decisions (i.e. playing out every possible scenario before making it & 2nd guessing myself afterwards). Generally speaking, I would like to gain more self discipline in several areas of my life.
So thats it! Thanks so much for reading & for letting me join your board!
:)
Posted by gardenergirl on August 26, 2004, at 8:27:08
In reply to Re: Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on August 25, 2004, at 9:01:12
You know what, Dinah. That sounds familiar to me, too. My husband and I are quite stable in our marriage (with the understanding that he can be a clod...), and I was finally ready to face therapy last year. I think my usual pattern of depression wasn't necessarily worse, but I was ready to experience and explore it more fully. I think having a safe place helps that.
Warmly,
gg
Posted by DaisyM on August 26, 2004, at 12:25:17
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Where I was:
When I started therapy, I was about a month past the first suicidal, black hole melt down of my life. I had always been a tough, push through it, look on the bright side, kind of gal. In retrospect, I had been sitting in on my son's therapy for several months and his Therapist had been asking me all along "how are you doing with all of this?" and I always said fine, etc. etc. Obviously something was showing. It wasn't until my son identified his fear of his father (the mood swings and illness stuff) that I flipped out and went into the hole. Talk about patterns repeating! I went to therapy looking for new, better coping skills so I could resume my "I have everything under control" life. After several attempts at finding a therapist (shudder) I found the one I currently have. He refused to help me get back to where I was, pointing out that I was headed for an even bigger crash and burn if I didn't slow down and figure out what the haunting sadness was about and learn to take care of myself. This meant learning to lean on people for emotional support and get more of my needs met, instead of always meeting everyone else's. After almost 5 months of therapy, I finally told him the truth about my childhood, something I'd never, ever talked about or told anyone.Where I am:
It is still an up and down process for me. I flip from being OK with having this unique supportive relationship in my life, to being mortified by the childish wants and needs that have surfaced. I'm beginning to accept that there was more damage to my self-esteem and inner soul than I thought. I have accepted that there is a separate, younger self, who has a whole list of things she wants and needs. And I've accepted that this might take a little longer to resolve than the initial 6 months I was going to give it. :)Where I'd like to be and how therapy will help me get there:
I'd like to feel stronger about coping with the stress in my life. I'd like to be able to feel sad about the memories I have but not overwhelmed by them. I want to integrate the little girl parts of me back into the adult so that her needs aren't so intense. I want to resolved the conflicting feelings about the relationships I have now with my parents but I feel no need to ever confront them about all of this. I want to trust people with my emotional needs and not have to be perfect at everything. I want to be able to give and get hugs without flinching. I think the steady support I get from my Therapist, which includes his complete acceptance of all parts of me will help me get there.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 7:32:33
In reply to Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by Dinah on August 24, 2004, at 19:44:31
Where I've been:
Before I started therapy, I spent years going through bouts of what I know now is atypical depression. My symptoms included:
- excessive sleeping which led to being late all the time or even missing work
- hypersensitivity to rejection, which led to a type of paralysis when it comes to some tasks, especially writing.
- leaden paralysis. I could not get out of bed or off the couch even when I knew I had to get up. Again, this led to missing work or being late. Sometimes poor hygiene if I did have to go anywhere.
- I did not have the typical low or sad mood. Instead, my moods were reactive depending on who I was around, what I was doing, or what was going on around me. This made me look not depressed and made me think I was not depressed.
- Playing "ostrich". I would withdraw from work, social, family, etc. I just didn't want to face anyone. This included bills. I wouldn't open my mail when I was in debt. Not a good strategy in the long run.
- Sometimes I would lose weight from not eating well; other times I would binge and gain weight.
-I had frequent migraines and tension headaches.
What finally got me going was first, some cognitive and attentional problems from stress related to not getting alone with my supervisor on my practicum and also school pressure. I started taking Celexa and eventually went to see a therapist.Where I am: I am now on an MAOI, which is a much better AD for atypical depression. This has helped a lot, but more than that, a year of therapy has done tremendous good. It's been hard. Therapy is intense, hard, exhausting work. I've learned that my fear of criticism has deep roots and that my behaviors related to it are something I come by honestly. I have learned that my parents are both narcissistic in their own way, and in working through transferences and seeing external transferences, I have learned how this affected me and have begun to not only experience but now grieve the pain. This seems significant to me. Grieving feels like a step towards moving forward versus just feeling the pain and worrying that it will never get any better. I have learned that I have a signficant conflict over my tendency to take a dependent role with important figures while at the same time not trusting those I am dependent on to be reliable and capable of protecting me from hurt. I am starting to "try on" the role of being independent and whole. It feels good, but it's not a linear progression. I have my "dependent" days, still. My T has noted that I seem to be moving into termination, and that idea doesn't completely freak me out. Scary yes, and I know it will be painful on its own. But I have hope for progress and for the future, which I never ever did before therapy.
Where I'd like to be: I'd like to successfully process termination in order to feel good about my T and the work I have done. I would like to feel whole, at east with myself warts and all, and to feel in the moment more versus striving or worrying. Mainly, I just want to enjoy being. Practically speaking, I want to be able to start a new situation such as a post doc fellowship or job without sabotauging (sp?) myself out of anxiety. I would like to be able to finish my dissertation in a timely manner with less of the paralysis that is currently blocking me. I'd also like to be able to taper off the Nardil to a maintenance dose or even get off of it, as I'd like to get pregnant.
Wow, I feel like I've come a long way. Just a month or so ago, I don't know that I could have seen this progress.
Thanks for this idea, Dinah.
Hopeful GG
Posted by vwoolf on September 1, 2004, at 5:56:39
In reply to Re: Where I've been, Where I am, Where I'd like to be, posted by gardenergirl on August 29, 2004, at 7:32:33
It’s taken me some time to get this post together - some resistance somewhere I think.
Where I’ve been
Well, I first saw a psychiatrist when I was sixteen (a long time ago, I’m now 52) after my school had suggested I should see someone. I was not coping socially, scholastically or at home. From the outside, I was angry, rebellious and depressed. Inside I was lonely, angry, guilty, scared and my thoughts were buzzing wildly. I had been sexually abused by my alcoholic father until he died when I was eleven and now my much older step-brother was abusing me sexually, although I wouldn’t have called it abuse at the time. I was sleeping badly, and spent most of my nights fantasizing about living in Paris and being part of the 1968 student protest movement. I felt anarchic, existential, the ultimate rebel. I dreamed of throwing Molotov’s at the police.The Pdoc saw me once. I think I refused to talk to him (I was terrified and angry) and he probably thought I was slightly catatonic, but certainly depressed. I was very suicidal, I remember. He recommended shock treatment, without trying to break through my resistances at all. ECT was very heavy-handed back then and I was bombed with many sessions. I think it was the most terrible thing anyone could have done to me. It messed up my memory, so that I didn’t really know why I was so angry anymore, without taking away the anger. I felt as if I was being punished, but couldn’t understand what I was being punished for. I still have nightmares of my body being jolted with these massive convulsions.
I went back to school for one day, broke down crying and was sent home. This time I was put into a psychiatric observation ward for a month. All they discovered was that I was very angry. Surprise! After another couple of months in an outpatient facility, I abandoned the exercise. Nobody had been able to find out why I was angry. Total failure.
When I was twenty I tried again, this time it was my initiative. I saw an elderly, retired Pdoc for a few months. I wasn’t sure what I wanted, I just knew there were things I wanted to understand, and that I wasn’t happy. I was living near home again and the pathological relationship with my step-brother had started up again. I asked to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital because I was having panic attacks and feeling suicidal, and the month I spent there gave me some respite. When I came out I went back to the Pdoc. He attempted to fondle my breasts one day after giving me a kind, paternal type hug, so beware of those hugs. Another total failure.
And that brings me up to a year ago when I went into therapy for the third time. Why?
- it suddenly occurred to me that I had been sexually abused as a child. I had never managed to analyze my memories about my father before, it was as if they were bubble-wrapped. I had always had very clear pictures in my head of things that had happened, but I couldn’t name them or make them part of me.
- I was having huge problems at work which I couldn’t understand. I had been successful professionally, but had suddenly started quarrelling with people, and generally self-sabotaging. I changed three jobs in four years and was feeling out of control. I was by this time the main breadwinner of the family, and I was terrified I would not be able to keep this up.
- My teenage son fell into a deep depression and started failing at school. I felt enormously guilty about this. I took him to a psychologist and developed a transference for the therapist myself. I thought I was crazy.
- My marriage was not working well. I withdrew from my husband, and felt a lot of resentment towards him. He is almost totally dependent on me financially and socially, and I feel very angry that I have to take all the responsibility for everything, including our son’s upbringing.
- My mother’s third husband died. She was away on holiday, even though she knew he was dying, leaving me to handle everything. She didn’t bother to break her trip. When I telephoned her to tell her about his death, she said that it was now too late, so she wouldn’t come back. It triggered a lot of things about my own father’s death, when she had asked me to sleep in their bed the night he died because she had a busy schedule for the next day and needed her sleep. I have always idolized my mother, and it suddenly became very clear to me that she was totally selfish and had always neglected my needs.
- I turned fifty, and began suddenly to feel my mortality. I began to want to make sense of my life.
- Like GG I was refusing to open bills
- I was putting on weight.
- I wasn’t sleeping well
- I was socially withdrawn
- I felt there was a huge divergence between what I said and what I meant
- I felt suicidal
- I was sure I was psychotic
Etc, etc etcWhere I am now
- I have spent the last year in therapy with a woman psychologist. I didn’t like her at all when I started but put this down to some sort of negative transference and have slowly got used to her. We even have moments of warmth between us from time to time. I have huge issues of trust, and put up a lot of resistance. It has taken me until a few weeks ago to begin to access some of the pain, although I have now sort of grown a scab again and just feel angry. Rage I have felt a lot of, and have spent several sessions standing and threatening to throw vases at her.
- I have begun to see that maybe I am not crazy after all - my childhood was crazy, not me. I am not quite sure about that though, and having spent time in psychiatric wards makes it difficult for me to believe I am completely sane.
- I have begun to tell my mother what is wrong, although I haven’t got as far as the SA yet, nor have I blamed her at all for anything. I think that maybe one day I will have to confront her, but I feel so furious that I am scared of how I will manage to contain my anger when I do.
- I am seeing my T three times a week, but it is actually doesn’t feel enough, and we talk telephonically between sessions. For extra support I have also been writing a lot to the Samaritans who have been great.
- I started SI a few months ago.
- I developed a huge idealized transference onto my male Pdoc, which I am trying to control but without much success. I spend a lot of time driving around near his rooms.
- I am taking MAOI’s after a long series of attempts with different AD’s. I don’t feel as if they are doing anything for me, and would love to spare myself the expense, but have been told I must continue for another year at least.
- I am not feeling quite so alone.Where I am going
At the moment I am in a vacuum, still unable to make plans for my future, but I think it is very important to me to be able to give some sense to my life. To be free of all these feelings that have conditioned my existence for so long, and make choices that are right for me. I think I have lived other people’s desires and wishes for the past fifty years and I am no longer prepared to do so, but what I want I don’t know yet. I feel very sad and angry that I have wasted so much of my life and opportunities. I hope that by looking back I will be able to understand enough to be able to move forward.Whew, what a marathon. Sorry this has been so long, but I’ve been around a while, I guess.
This is the end of the thread.
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