Posted by daisym on July 2, 2004, at 18:36:34
In reply to Homework - A tough one., posted by DaisyM on July 1, 2004, at 21:35:18
Thank you for the thoughtful replies and your own experiences. My thoughts after reading all:
First Question: Can you choose to ignore your personal history? My immediate answer is "yes" I did it for a very long time. I recognized uncomfortable feelings whenever anyone mentioned csa, talk shows, trainings, etc. But my reaction to those feelings was typically a deep breath and then anger at whomever was talking about it. I always thought, "put it away. Get over it. I did." I also thought I had developed into the highly competent person "inspite of" what happened, not "because of." Again, choosing to move up and beyond. So, yes, I think you can choose to ignore it.
But the better question is: "Can you choose to not let it affect you?" Here I would have to say no. After a year of therapy, I can now see how many choices I've made, things done and not done, were directly the result of my childhood. It's not all bad of course. I'm strong in so many ways. But the shut down of feelings, with the major exception being my children, means I missed a lot too. And certainly these overwhelming feelings of anxiety, the bad dreams and the intrusive memories are affecting me.
Does going back into the past make it "worse?" Sometimes. But I guess I agree with the Band-Aid analogy. You can help a wound heal with a Band-Aid. If it isn't too deep, doesn't get infected and if your immune system is working correctly. But if all those things aren't in place, one wound can lead to the whole body getting sick. I think that is what happened with me. My child developed anxiety, I became distraught about trying to help him, that wound wouldn't heal so I had to look at the underlying system to see what needed to be "fixed" so all of me could heal. I guess I just didn't expect to find out what bad shape my psychological immune system was in. Sometimes I don't think I have enough Band-Aids at home. I have, in fact, asked my therapist for therapy-Novocain, aspirin for therapy-hangovers and psychological Band-Aids. (Last time I asked for the Band-Aid he ripped off a small piece of paper, wrote on it and handed it to me. It was his phone number. Such a smart a**! ) I think the biggest benefit of connecting the past to the present is that I can predict better how I'm likely to react to something or someone. I am starting to realize that there are distinct ego states that have their own needs and wants. I don't know how to sort this out yet, or give everyone in my head what they want, but at least I have a language for the struggle.
But the ultimate goal of this exercise was for me to decide if continuing to work on these really old feelings was worth the present day disruption. I'm still phrasing like I have a choice, aren't I? I guess that is why my therapist wanted me to look at the question first, "Do you have a choice?" I'm realizing that the choice is in HOW I work on this stuff. In order to feel better, I can see that I need to work on it. I need to allow it to surface so that I don't keep getting broadsided by it and then share it so I'm not so alone in it.
I think what is shifting for me is whom I choose to share it with. For whatever reason, the need for real-life support has been strong this past month. I WANTED to share this with a close friend, and to make my husband understand just how distressing it is and how lonely I feel sometimes trying to deal with it. Neither of those attempts turned out the way I had hoped. But neither were complete catastrophes either. I don't feel so alone now. But, I think I have some work to do around what this sudden need was about (I've got my bet on the old "it's too much for my therapist" fear...but there could be other reasons.)
I'm ready to pull back for a while. I'm not saying I'm "done" looking at the past stuff, (besides it intrudes at will). But I think I will take some of the advice given here and limit sharing to my therapist and Babble friends.
poster:daisym
thread:362420
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040624/msgs/362673.html