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Re: Homework - A tough one.

Posted by shadows721 on July 1, 2004, at 22:27:57

In reply to Homework - A tough one., posted by DaisyM on July 1, 2004, at 21:35:18


I am speaking from my own experience. I don't know how long you have been in tx for this. In the earlier years, I tried to get my hubby and family as supporters. That went really sour. I am not saying your's can't be of support for you later on. I am just saying that mine never worked out like I needed. I found out that NOBODY understands or can understand what I went through as a kid and how much it has shaped me today.

I have been told the gammit. "Read the Bible, Shadows." "Are you sure you are remembering this right, Shadows?" "You must forgive and forget, Shadows". "Your living too much in the past, Shadows". "You need to put this in the past and move on, Shadows". "You need to give this over to God, Shadows". "Oh, he couldn't have done that. YOU WERE only a baby." "Why didn't you tell?" "Where were your parents." "We watched you, this couldn't have happened." "Why didn't he do that to me?" "You think your childhood was bad, I saw X on tv today."

After all those comments, I kept the abuse memories to myself and my T. This is what I had to do to protect my own sanity. Of course, I would have loved for this to be different. Family of abuse are usually in heavy denial any way. Mom and Dad were good parents. The siblings weren't abused either. Yes, your all perfect family.

Those comments were truly sending me into a rage. I knew my flashbacks were the truth! I could hear that lying abuser's voice ringing true today. "Go ahead and tell, Shadows. No one is going to believe you anyway. Ha ha ha ha ha" In away, he was right. This is the thing. It's not they don't want to believe you. They don't want to believe adults do things to children like this. However, everytime I asked any question to the family of something they owned or did over 30 years ago. It was validated. "How can you remember that?" As the years went on, stories of what he did to adults and children starting popping up and my mother and the others starting really taking me more seriously.

I find your supporters are fellow survivors and therapists. To me, they are the only ones that truly understand. At times, I had to be hospitalized for I was overwhelmed with memories. I had one T in the hospital want me to tell my mother what my father did. That experience was devestating. My mother refused to believe it. As the years went on, she gradually excepted it.

As far as putting it behind you thing, I feel it is definately apart of who I am today. It shaped how I see others, how I react, how I think of myself, to name a few. There's not a way to put that away. To believe that would be believing the abusers voice when confronted, "It didn't happen." I believe people can stuff it down, drown in drugs/alcohol, starve it, eat it, cut it, keep busy, hide in a belief system, and run from it, but that works temporarily.

This is your hx. You are a survivor. This is a process that is going to continue. We can't stop flashbacks. We can't stop remembering. This is a condition that has been set in motion. It can't really be put back down permanantly. It will just pop right back up. It usually pops up when we aren't expecting it anyway.

Now, I think. To heck with what anyone thinks, NO ONE was there for me then. But, I will sure heck be there for me today. I will honor me by respecting myself and allowing this past to present itself however my mind chooses.




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