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Re: sick... » daisym

Posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 10:31:18

In reply to B2chica - How are you?, posted by daisym on June 25, 2004, at 13:37:58

>> You've been on my mind.Are things any better?

sorry you're alone on this. no one else seems to give a flying f##*. though can't blame them. it's not like im useful for anything.

i can't even function well at work anymore. i went home from work at noon on thursday and friday. i'm sick to my stomach all the time, i can't eat..which on the one hand i've lost 5 lbs but my form's so disgusting that it doesn't matter anyway. i am constantly running the "episode" through my mind over and over and over again, and now it's LOUDER than ever. Saturday i came to work when no one was here i turned on my itunes and curled up and finally had the ba$$s to say it all outloud. i re-lived it...ALL. and i finally realized something VERY important. I realized that i have to take responsibility. i can't blame Anyone else Anymore, No MORE. It was MY stupidity, MY naiveté, MY disgusting nature to make STUPID words come out of my STUPID mouth thet got me into a situation i can NEVER take back.

So now my filth is on the outside. I want to scrape it off with a razor blade, but i've been strong so far cuz i'm sure if i start to cut i'll never be able to stop, not this time. I had an INCREDIBLE urge to cut my head, my Head- how F'd up is that! that scared the crap out of me so i dropped my knife and went home.

No one can seem to understand, they think it's all glory days for little me and all is right with the world. "cheer up! "what do you have to be sad about?" "keeping yourself busy will help you" "don't worry, the depression will pass". they don't get that it's not the bipolar that's ripping me apart! it's memories NOT depression that's eating my's's me causing all this pain, it's me making me hurt.
And, we're hosting about 20 people next weekend, doesn't that just top it all off. so do i still tell my T what i said outloud on my own this friday and end up throwing myself on artillery shells sunday? or do i suck it in for yet ANOTHER week? you tell me...should i let the world know how utterly disgusting and STUPID i am right Before celebrating "independance" or right after?
Like it make a f*7&ing difference.

-i'm sorry daisyM.
i apologize to you, you've been nice. i'm not upset at you. I guess i'm just realizing that all this hate i've had built up inside me all these years should be directed at one else.

i just can't stand living in my skin, not like this. yet i don't think i want to die.
Now it's mostly out but yet it's still in me. God, it's like i'm being skinned alive one week at a time.




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