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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by daisym on June 25, 2004, at 13:37:58
You've been on my mind. Are things any better? I'm hoping so.
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 10:31:18
In reply to B2chica - How are you?, posted by daisym on June 25, 2004, at 13:37:58
>> You've been on my mind.Are things any better?
sorry you're alone on this. no one else seems to give a flying f##*. though can't blame them. it's not like im useful for anything.
i can't even function well at work anymore. i went home from work at noon on thursday and friday. i'm sick to my stomach all the time, i can't eat..which on the one hand i've lost 5 lbs but my form's so disgusting that it doesn't matter anyway. i am constantly running the "episode" through my mind over and over and over again, and now it's LOUDER than ever. Saturday i came to work when no one was here i turned on my itunes and curled up and finally had the ba$$s to say it all outloud. i re-lived it...ALL. and i finally realized something VERY important. I realized that i have to take responsibility. i can't blame Anyone else Anymore, No MORE. It was MY stupidity, MY naiveté, MY disgusting nature to make STUPID words come out of my STUPID mouth thet got me into a situation i can NEVER take back.
So now my filth is on the outside. I want to scrape it off with a razor blade, but i've been strong so far cuz i'm sure if i start to cut i'll never be able to stop, not this time. I had an INCREDIBLE urge to cut my head, my Head- how F'd up is that! that scared the crap out of me so i dropped my knife and went home.
No one can seem to understand, they think it's all glory days for little me and all is right with the world. "cheer up! "what do you have to be sad about?" "keeping yourself busy will help you" "don't worry, the depression will pass". they don't get that it's not the bipolar that's ripping me apart! it's memories NOT depression that's eating my alive...it's me...it's me causing all this pain, it's me making me hurt.
And, we're hosting about 20 people next weekend, doesn't that just top it all off. so do i still tell my T what i said outloud on my own this friday and end up throwing myself on artillery shells sunday? or do i suck it in for yet ANOTHER week? you tell me...should i let the world know how utterly disgusting and STUPID i am right Before celebrating "independance" or right after?
Like it make a f*7&ing difference.-i'm sorry daisyM.
i apologize to you, you've been nice. i'm not upset at you. I guess i'm just realizing that all this hate i've had built up inside me all these years should be directed at me...no one else.i just can't stand living in my skin, not like this. yet i don't think i want to die.
Now it's mostly out but yet it's still in me. God, it's like i'm being skinned alive one week at a time.
b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on June 28, 2004, at 13:03:07
In reply to Re: sick... » daisym, posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 10:31:18
Wow, your pain really comes out in this post. I'm sorry you are feeling such intense, painful feelings. But I'm glad you are so brave (yes, you really are) to explore them and say them out loud. And I'm so glad you stopped yourself.
I think you should tell your T, as soon as you can. Of course it likely will be difficult, but you've started the process. Your T (and Babble) can help you contain this enough to work through.
I don't have the same experiences as you, so maybe someone like Daisy can offer more relevant insight, but I think that during this time it might feel overwhelming, like a tidal wave at times. Please let your T help you control your exposure to the water to keep you safe. And please try to take a few minutes out several times a day to just breathe. Give yourself a break whenever you can. Because this is very hard work you are doing in therapy.
You've been supportive to me in the past, and I appreciate it greatly. Even if I'n not always posting, I care and wish you the best.
gentle hugs ((b2chica))
gg
Posted by antigua on June 28, 2004, at 13:03:19
In reply to Re: sick... » daisym, posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 10:31:18
There are many, many people who care about you. It may be really hard for some of us to post because you are in so much pain and we don't know how to help you. I don't know how to help you, but I really want to.
Would you think your T would think it's good that it's all coming out? Even if it's still directed at you? You aren't this terrible person you're thinking you are right now. You are just you; you've been hurt and are responding in the only way you've been taught.
Please, please, can you call your T? (I don't know your whole situation so you can tell me to bug off). I just want you to find some way to not feel so very, very alone.
antigua
Posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 14:16:52
In reply to Re: sick..., posted by antigua on June 28, 2004, at 13:03:19
thank you So much gg and antigua.
i need those nonjudgemental gentle hugs really REALLY bad right now.
i feel so incredibly Horrible, So Worthless. i think it's good i finally said it outloud but it still feels worse, i think it's because i wasn't in session when it happened. i'm almost numb about it now...except my anxiety is through the roof, my hands have a slight tremor and i can't look or concentrate on anything for any amount of time without me "going back".
i'm afraid to be around any coworkers for any amount of time in fear i'll say or do something in reaction to my "going back". but i have a meeting at 2:30 i can't get out of. But i've decided after that i'm going home.
i want to call my T but i don't know what to say. my biggest problem is it seems like my body lets it out when it's ready, not when i'm ready-which never seems to be in session and i can't do this over the phone.>I just want you to find some way to not feel so very, very alone.
but i am...i am Very alone in this. true i do have my T, but for what...one hour a week. the other 167 hours it's me and my secrets.
However, i can't ignore you and Babble. you make me feel like i'm not alone. and i remember finelinebob told me, at least now the people that helped cause the pain are no longer near. and that does bring me comfort.
i'm just still terribly confused...it's like i have so much intensity inside i'm numb, numb and confused...i don't know what to do. i guess that's why i just curl up and stare at my knees, i'm ready to do that now.
well, i'm off to a mtg. i don't think i can handle being at and then i'm going home.
i don't feel like anyone would want anything from me right now, but i care about you both and really thank you for your support.b2c
Posted by daisym on June 28, 2004, at 16:52:24
In reply to Re: sick..., posted by B2chica on June 28, 2004, at 14:16:52
I'm glad you wrote back. I didn't take it personal. I'm with GG and Antigua, you should call your therapist and at least tell him how rough your weekend was.
Yes, in many ways your body is in charge of this stuff. It is telling you that it doesn't feel safe and that all the anger and self-hatred are making you sick. It is a long road to self-forgiveness but the 1st step is just saying outloud what happened. And you did this. Now, everyone needs a guide on their journey so you can and should use your therapist for this. He will know how to help you look at the many sides all of our experiences have. Try to allow help. You do deserve it.
I'm glad you said you don't want to die. Remember that in the really hard moments. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sorry you are facing so much stress right now.
Hugs from me.
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on June 29, 2004, at 9:41:42
In reply to Re: sick... » B2chica, posted by daisym on June 28, 2004, at 16:52:24
thank you DaisyM.
you are incredibly nice. you make me feel good. I feel like the numbness is taking over which is a good thing- the thoughts aren't constant as they were before. The sickness and anxiety are still here but...what do you do. Yesterday i printed off what i wrote and added a page and dropped it off at my T's place. I just can't seem to call no matter what i do, so at least this way he knows. I guess a part of me was hoping he'd call me but...like someone said before, he's not a mind reader and i didn't say in the letter i wanted him to call.
Even though i'm feeling pretty numb about the 'episode' it's like i have this constant fear. last night i curled up and just held my legs like if i let go they would fall off. I mean scared, constantly, why? my best guess is all these years i've been "covering" with a fearless attitude that maybe it's all catching up???
i mean no matter what i do i have this innate fear inside me (i think that's what's giving me this shaking).Daisy, thank you Very much for the hugs. I actually wish i could crawl in your arms and stay there till friday...
b2c.
> Hugs from me.
> Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2004, at 10:13:33
In reply to Re: sick..., posted by B2chica on June 29, 2004, at 9:41:42
B2chica,
Sweetie, I'm glad you gave that to your T. When is your next session? Friday, I'm guessing? I think you are right about the fear, that perhaps you have been living with it all along, but now that you have an opening into it, you are much more aware. I'm sorry you are so scared. I know that feeling is just awful. And I also think that maybe you are right, the numbness may be protecting you. But if it feels too bad, either direction, please call your T. Even if it's to say, I need help now, rather than talking about it over the phone.Can you think of a place that feels safe to you? Maybe somewhere from the past, or somewhere now? For me it's my bedroom. It has sloped ceilings on either side of the bed, so it's very cozy. I love my bedding because it's a soothing green and blue. I have books, water, light, and lots of pillows. I can look out of the window and see the house of a good friend.
If you have a place like this, and it could be anywhere...a secluded beach, a cabin, on an island, somewhere you imagine, etc., try to visualize it. Really see all of the details of the room or the place. Try to feel what the air feels like. What do you smell? How does it feel if you touch it? The more senses you can get involved in your imagination, the more you can really "go there" in your mind. While you are there, you are safe. You can and just breathe, and just be.
Take gentle care, dear.
gg
Posted by B2chica on June 29, 2004, at 10:58:01
In reply to Re: sick... » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on June 29, 2004, at 10:13:33
yes i couldn't get in any sooner this week so my appt's not till friday.
i am regretting a little that i gave the letter to him. what if he doesn't read it till the beginning of my next session...right in front of me??!!>> Can you think of a place that feels safe to you? Maybe somewhere from the past, or somewhere now?
thanks gg for the suggestion of somewhere safe. the only place i feel Real safe i can't go to anymore, but i do remember it. it was at my grandparents farm, i used to hide there all the time, i could stay in there for hours. it was a little shack, my grandpa's "blacksmith shop". it was filled with tools. for some reason the heavy tools make me feel safe...>Really see all of the details of the room or the place. Try to feel what the air feels like. What do you smell? How does it feel if you touch it? The more senses you can get involved in your imagination, the more you can really "go there" in your mind. While you are there, you are safe. You can and just breathe, and just be.
-man, you just walking me through, i teared up...want to just sit here and bawl. but i can't...i'm at work. i can even smell the grease and dirt mixed with farm air- it was dark in there but the light seeped through the cracks of the boards. i loved that place. no one could EVER find me there.
God i really wish i could be there right now.Thank you so very much gg.
thank you for making me feel less alone.
b2c.
Posted by DaisyM on June 29, 2004, at 16:07:09
In reply to Re: sick..., posted by B2chica on June 29, 2004, at 10:58:01
The really cool thing about the mind's eye is that we CAN be anywhere we want, we just have to close our other eyes. At least momentarily.
I think you were very brave to drop off the letter. Can you leave a short message that says, "I left you a letter this morning that says some things I can't right now. Can you please read it before Friday? Thank you." That way you don't have to wonder about that point at least.
I wish I could hug you until Friday too. But I'm still here. And you are doing a great job at keeping yourself safe. Keep checking in. It is good to hear from you. Do you have any comfort foods? I like the smells you mentioned. For me, it is the smell of vanilla, or cut grass. Probably from being outside as a kid which was a lot safer than being inside. I had a tough weekend followed by 2 tough therapy sessions soooo...I bought myself a candle that has a daisy on the front and smells like citrus and flowers. It is lovely. Makes me smile to look at it.
More hugs from me. Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by gardenergirl on July 1, 2004, at 23:10:11
In reply to Re: sick..., posted by B2chica on June 29, 2004, at 9:41:42
I hope your session goes well and your T is able to help you cope. Take care and please keep us posted.
((((b2c))))
gg
Posted by B2chica on July 7, 2004, at 11:41:24
In reply to Thinking of you, b2c, posted by gardenergirl on July 1, 2004, at 23:10:11
Thank YOU GG.
i saw your post but i just couldn't respond, friday. i was really freaked out. but it did help me...it made sure that i had you, daisy and my friend's little object with me waiting outside his door before i went in...you guys helped me to not run back outside and chicken out.
thanks!
b2c.
This is the end of the thread.
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