Posted by Aphrodite on May 1, 2004, at 8:33:12
I am so new here that it just doesn't seem right to ask all of you for help. Yet, I am in pain, and I think you will understand and provide me with much needed direction. Still, I am sorry to unload on you.
With that disclaimer, I'll proceed. I had a childhood filled with abuse of every kind -- parental neglect, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and loads of emotional abuse. Despite this, I grew up to be fairly competent and successful though I have made some really bad decisons on occasion. To others, I believe I appear friendly but aloof. I ignore my emotions, but I am empathetic to others. I have a very stoic facade. Others come to me for help -- I think others would have no idea that I suffer.
I have struggled with suicidal ideation for a few years. I was very proud of myself that without letting anyone in on the pain, I was able to come out of those dark days. Yet, in those weak moments, it would come sneaking back without warning. I learned to recognize the triggers and avoid them. I forced myself out of the negative thinking. However, I do feel extremely worthless -- those closest to me have rejected me throughtout my life. Sometimes I let the depression envelope me because I want to punish myself for being such a bad person.
When I would be in this miserable state, there was always one last resort -- professional help. Well, I finally broke down and did it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've been going weekly for 6 months. Now, instead of being miserable, I'm miserable without any more options. I don't like to talk about myself; I feel clumsy and uncomfortable and burdensome to him. Just saying that you want to die doesn't make it go away.
The pain has been very acute for the past month. Every week, I go in and give my state of the nation in the most corporate voice you can imagine. "I have felt some intense anxiety coupled with bouts of depression," I'll say coldly, without expression. Inside, I'm crying and screaming, "Help me! Can't you see how much pain I'm in?!?" He matches my corporate speak, I am sure, because he thinks that is appropriate. We end up talking about things that don't matter a hill of beans because I can't seem to get what matters out of my mouth.
He doesn't know that I am in such a state of crisis because I can't seem to convey the emotion behind the words. I leave feeling worse than coming in -- I feel uncared for, though I know it's not his fault.
The bottom line is that therapy has made me feel worse. I know that my prior coping skill of ignoring everything was not productive, but opening these wounds without any sign of healing is unbearable and causes me not to function as well as before.
Whatever shall I do?
Again, I apologize for the length and for dumping on all of you dear people who also suffer.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:342123
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040426/msgs/342123.html