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Re: Childhood abuse triggering me ????? DaisyM

Posted by KindGirl on February 17, 2004, at 13:48:41

In reply to Re: Childhood abuse triggering me ?????, posted by DaisyM on February 17, 2004, at 11:40:17

You nailed it. On the nose!
I am definitely in emergency mode right now...I can honestly say that today has been the worst day of my life.
I am a reader.
Started reading In Session and it is blowing my mind how accurate it is.
Been in t. 2 years now. Once a week. No extra fee for phone calls...tells me to call as much as I want. I am a christian (does that matter?)...she is a christian therapist and author, so I feel like she is "doing her ministry for God" and I happen to be at her door.

My abuse was neglect for many years. Left alone in crib....force fed shitty food my entire life, and I mean shitty food. Alcoholic and mentally ill mother. Still drinks. No contact with mother now for 2 years. She told me she didn't want to see me ever again (for no reason, just one of her drunken exclamations, and I took her up on it and ran as fast as I could for the door to freedom). Drug addict brother. Father left when I was 12 and told us we were mistakes.
Teacher molested/seduced me in high school.

Aren't you glad you asked? Actually, thank you for asking and for caring. I feel less alone knowing someone hears my silent screams.
There is other abuse in there but that is the big picture. I struggle the most with abandonment I think....one day my dad was there and that night he was gone. He was the nice parent. He left me with the monster and hell became even worse from that point on....and so now I don't want to attach to anyone or anything. I am convinced t. is going to abandon me and there seems to be nothing she can do to convince me otherwise.

I feel like I am the most impossible client...there will never be any pleasing me unless she gave me a kidney, I think. I am always going to be alone sooner or later. That is what I have learned.

I am married and have kids and they love me to pieces...I love them too but I am just way too sick and hurting right now to see the silver lining in them right now. I hide all of this inside. I am still a soccer mom and a great wife but I am literally bleeding to death inside.

Any books you recommend I will soak up like a sponge....thank you for listening and for caring.


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poster:KindGirl thread:314323
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